May. 3rd, 2008

so....

May. 3rd, 2008 11:42 pm
blustocking: (Default)
for some fucking reason I got nominated for the scholarship show again this year, which was at least 1/3rd of the stress of this past week (install was last night). I say "fucking" because I left there feeling like a sack of unartistic crap. I've been working so much with "new media", or rather digital media, this semester that I feel I have nothing to show for it. I do. I have an installation (which is what earned the nomination in the first place) and some photos (some screenprints, but eh). No paintings. No meat. All carbs. I wonder what it is, why I don't feel like a proper artist unless there's a painting involved. I should examine these thoughts. More importantly, I should paint more. But I'm not one of those painters, like Fucking Flinders, who can just churn it out, same style, same goddamned lint-digging belly-button gazing emo shitheads. Sorry, I'm just so tired of youth and art that says nothing but "look at me. buy me. I will match your couch and your sensitive ways". Fuck that shit.

So, after feeling like my work was crap, being put next to two skilled people, being given an entire fucking wall, after 3 days of 5 hours of sleep a night, I ran home, grabbed my NOLA portfolio and threw it in. It's the only thing I'm proud of really. Except the mini install, but that just tickles me, doesn't inflate me.

And now, tomorrow, I debut a painting I rushed to finish for a show I don't think I want to be part of but will do anyway because I want to show the damn painting and add another line to my g.d. resume. I wish I didn't have my hand in so many cookie jars. I'd accuse myself of being lazy, but why do I never have time for anything? I just lack focus.

I'd say I'll be glad when this next week is over, but I said that last week, and I'll say it the week after this. I'm just a little burned out is all.

Also, applied for the McColl Center residency. Got 3 awesome recommendation letters and then promptly fucked it up by rushing my letter of intent because the FedEx drop-off time was 2pm and I didn't get my ass in gear and get this done weeks ago. At least they keep those letters on file for 3 years. Ah well, off work. Time for home.

May 2010

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