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[personal profile] blustocking
I'm sitting on the front porch and shit, it's a beautiful day. Ending now, sun setting as the tourists cross the street, take photos of the bright balconies to my left, across the street. Birds, fly across, sunlight setting their wings in golden x-ray. Something, somewhere, close, is going on, but I don't know what and I haven't the energy to find out.

Mid-week last week I found out our family dog died. Charlie. The kind of dog you call the Best Dog Ever. My Mother and Father and I picked him out from the shelter when he was a puppy. He was put to sleep last week at the age of thirteen. Lung cancer. It was quick, and unfortunately, I'm guessing, most likely, painful. I wasn't there. My Mom was. She had to give him his last walk because my Dad couldn't do it. Just couldn't. That dog was a good a friend to him as any human and more loyal and kind-hearted than most. I can't believe I won't see him again and just like those close to me wish they could be here, I wish I could be there, just to be there, just to be another body bearing the weight of a loved one lost.

The next night, on a second date with someone (yes, I spent the night. No, we didn't have sex.), I woke up at 3:30am with intense pain in my abdomen that ramped up quite suddenly. Within an hour, I was at the hospital, sweating, nauseated, and ready to pass out from the pain. It was similar to the ovarian cyst I had four months ago, but stronger, much stronger. They give you a chart with these simply-drawn faces to gauge your pain, one-ten. And it's funny, because most people look like a five all the time. I placed this at a clear 8. I'm not mentioning this to garner any kind of sympathy. In fact, I hate talking about it, haven't told a lot of people and only told my family because I did end up getting admitted to the hospital that night. I got out on Friday and my date, as unsure of the future of this as I may be, was there for most of the ordeal. I only got home from staying at his house a few hours ago. Maybe not a wise decision, since I am so unsure and he seems so sure, but sometimes a girl needs to be taken care of, and for me to allow that to happen takes a lot out of me. I'm exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I have a 5cm "fluid-filled sac" in my ovary that could decide to decrease, explode, or do a little dance once again and that kind of pisses me off. I wanted it out, but doctors being "logical", didn't want to risk general anesthetic for something that is "likely" to go away. So yeah, for anyone wondering, that may happen to read this that is, I'm fine and I'm sorry if I'm even worse at communicating now. I go back in Wednesday for a check-up. The worst part is, I have no guarantee this is not the New World Order for my body and me, if every month, in between that Special Happy Time, I'll get woken up, or forced to leave work to be taken to the Hospital. At least I have health insurance. Seriously. This is how people go bankrupt. This, is how.

There's talk of putting me on birth control to stem these little growths, which I'm none too happy about. Jill on b.c. is a paranoid Jill, no matter the dose, no matter the type. I really don't like it. But I do like morphine. Morphine was my damned friend and Vicodin is not. And neither is hospital food, or doctors who tell and don't listen. Here's an idea, try learning some compassion and not being so cocky. Try setting your goddamned coffee down at the nurse's station before you waltz into my room to tell me I might lose an ovary and then leave before I've had time to process it enough to ask some goddamned questions. Just a thought.

I'm annoyed. My body is betraying me in more ways than one and all I want is a nice iced coffee or a beer even though it's probably the worst thing I could have right now, due to the fact that for the past year or so my intestines have decided to mutiny as well.

And I realize there are so many people out there with much bigger problems, but I really just needed to get this out.

Date: 2009-03-08 11:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] locopuff.livejournal.com
I goes endometriosis, I can only imagine that they're similar. But I haven't been to the Dr. O_o

I'm sorry to hear that your lady parts are sick, Jill.

How's everything else? O_o?

Date: 2009-03-09 12:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blustocking.livejournal.com
Yeah, my Sister and an Aunt have Endometriosis, which makes me wonder. Sis also had pre-cervical cancer. So...we'll see. If I don't feel satisfied after talking to this doctor again on Wednesday, it's time for a 2nd opinion. I don't have the patience to tease information from a professional.
Lady parts suck. And I know you have some terrifically bad pain on a regular basis, so I feel for you and wonder WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU BEEN TO A DOCTOR and then I remember, doctors suck. But still...

Everything else is....good? In flux is how I'd describe it. I don't know where I'll be living in a year, what I'll be doing, who I'll be with. It's not bad, it's not good. I love this city, warts and all, most of the time. Especially on days like this. It's ridiculous that it even exists on days like this. Work is, stressful, but eventful and I enjoy it if only for the eventfulness and the fact that I get to learn new things and feel that in some way, some roundabout way, I am helping people. Though not enough, never enough.

How are you? I watched a movie last night, "Good Dick". And it was very much L.A. and made me miss that life a bit, especially the good people I left there whom I don't talk to nearly enough. So, you know, make some time around the last couple weeks in June, lady. 'Cause I'ma comin' out (Staci's wedding).

Date: 2009-03-09 12:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ponsonbybritt.livejournal.com
Never, ever feel guilty for being in pain. Emotional, physical or somewhere in-between. Never feel guilty for how you feel.

I have a great familiarity with callous physicians. I will hope this isn't an ongoing issue for you. You are certainly in my thoughts.

Date: 2009-04-10 08:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] i-muad-dib.livejournal.com
So I saw this entry only today 'cause I forget to look into these things, though you know I enjoy doing it and make inane comments and such but regardless of the fact that this is nearly 2 months old, how are you?

my what a long sentence you have

Date: 2009-04-15 02:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blustocking.livejournal.com
I'm good. My life is slightly up in the air and I'm no closer to any decisions being made about where to go from here, but it's ok. Trying to get my ass in gear and make some art. I think I either need a residency or to go back to school.

How you YOU?

Re: my what a long sentence you have

Date: 2009-04-16 08:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] i-muad-dib.livejournal.com
I am AM doing ok. Bored shitless with my day job, frustrated with not being able to devote enough time to worthy endeavors such as drawing and photography but have hope, will travel, literally; Zoo and I will be in Germania in early June, with a stop in Madrid and that should be a hoot.
I should not complain too much.. I was in Paris early this year, going to Germany and maybe Tunisia in August. At least I get to travel ...my main frustration is the waste of 8 hours of my day in a pointless job. I could be doing so much..but i get home late and exhausted and watch Robot chicken and doze off...oh and I am learning Argentinian Tango which is lots of fun.
oh I have given up on the whole relationship thing. I just get bored with people rather quickly as of late, which sucks.Not much else going on besides that..
I think that I wish I was in school...I really miss being in a creative environment. yup.

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