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pardon our mess...
Dec. 2nd, 2003 05:55 pmBut I am fucking STRESSED. I've nearly cried 3 times today in public. I went in my room an hour ago and finally broke down. I don't want to talk about every reason why, but it's not just moving. I've done that enough to not flip out about it. It will pass, I'm just super pissed off and angry, maybe somewhat misdirected. It's not Ian. It's nothing like that. Let's just say that sometimes, I really hate this country. You don't realize how much health care benefits mean until you don't have them, until you need them, quickly. I spent my day looking for help and there's none to be found. Scratch that, there's help, for a fee or two...or three. Should you require immediate medical attention, or financial assistance, be prepared to give up your first born or jump through flaming hoops of bureaucratic bullshit.
I guess my "irresponsibility" is finally paying off. More and more, doing the "right thing", the "responsible" thing just feels like a prison. Freedom, in America, is a joke. And if my family, whom I love them more than anything, tries to make me feel guilty one more time, I don't think I'll be moving back simply based on how hard it is to pull away. I don't know why they're so hell-bent on keeping me here, why it hurts them so much when I leave. They keep crying (Mom, Sis, even Dad once) and it's not only making my heart hurt, but making me a little angry in the process. I guess I should feel guilty for attempting to live my life how I would like. Ian's witnessed it and doesn't understand it either. I guess I'm just too damn nice to have around, eh? Pssh. Cripes, I'll only be nine hours away. They're worried about me. I don't understand it the extreme nature of it. They've let me do more things, have more freedom, than most kids have had. New Orleans at 16, New York, New Orleans, and Los Angeles at 17. All virtually on my own. I moved to L.A. at 20 and lived there on my fucking own, scraped by and made it, for five years. They helped, I won't deny that. I'm spoiled, I won't deny that. But is this the price you pay for relying on your family. I guess I'm just a selfish fucker who's had it too good. I don't think I'd deny that either. But I'll be damned if I'm going to stay here just because something bad could happen. I don't understand that logic and I never will. It seems to be this town's motto. My parents raised me to be independent and when I demonstrate how well I learned, I get to feel like a chump.
Oh, and it's supposed to snow the day we're planning on leaving. Somehow, I'm not surprised.
I sincerely apologize for my absence in my friend's lives as of late. I know you understand, that's why you're my friends. I promise to be more involved soon. It's not entirely because I have a boyfriend either. ;)
I love him.
I miss him.
I have to go pack and distract myself with the Simpsons.
blah blah: I applied to a job at the Wisconsin Humane Society. It sounds perfect, therefore I will not be getting it. Though I'd like it very much thanks. Pirates is out today, I cannot afford it, therefore I won't be getting it. Though I'd like it very much. The novelty of "scraping by" is wearing thin, but still feels like a challenge. It's like a game, my life. Do I take anything seriously? Yes. Maybe the wrong things. No.
I guess my "irresponsibility" is finally paying off. More and more, doing the "right thing", the "responsible" thing just feels like a prison. Freedom, in America, is a joke. And if my family, whom I love them more than anything, tries to make me feel guilty one more time, I don't think I'll be moving back simply based on how hard it is to pull away. I don't know why they're so hell-bent on keeping me here, why it hurts them so much when I leave. They keep crying (Mom, Sis, even Dad once) and it's not only making my heart hurt, but making me a little angry in the process. I guess I should feel guilty for attempting to live my life how I would like. Ian's witnessed it and doesn't understand it either. I guess I'm just too damn nice to have around, eh? Pssh. Cripes, I'll only be nine hours away. They're worried about me. I don't understand it the extreme nature of it. They've let me do more things, have more freedom, than most kids have had. New Orleans at 16, New York, New Orleans, and Los Angeles at 17. All virtually on my own. I moved to L.A. at 20 and lived there on my fucking own, scraped by and made it, for five years. They helped, I won't deny that. I'm spoiled, I won't deny that. But is this the price you pay for relying on your family. I guess I'm just a selfish fucker who's had it too good. I don't think I'd deny that either. But I'll be damned if I'm going to stay here just because something bad could happen. I don't understand that logic and I never will. It seems to be this town's motto. My parents raised me to be independent and when I demonstrate how well I learned, I get to feel like a chump.
Oh, and it's supposed to snow the day we're planning on leaving. Somehow, I'm not surprised.
I sincerely apologize for my absence in my friend's lives as of late. I know you understand, that's why you're my friends. I promise to be more involved soon. It's not entirely because I have a boyfriend either. ;)
I love him.
I miss him.
I have to go pack and distract myself with the Simpsons.
blah blah: I applied to a job at the Wisconsin Humane Society. It sounds perfect, therefore I will not be getting it. Though I'd like it very much thanks. Pirates is out today, I cannot afford it, therefore I won't be getting it. Though I'd like it very much. The novelty of "scraping by" is wearing thin, but still feels like a challenge. It's like a game, my life. Do I take anything seriously? Yes. Maybe the wrong things. No.
