uphill battle, day by day, or some other such shite

[blustocking]

I don't know why I am writing this...okay, I do, but I should be asleep.

I just want some of you to know that my neglect is not intentional by any means. This is where I am right now. Let the purging commence...

I was near tears when I finally got home, at 11, before midnight for a change. I was so tired, I just wanted to weep tired little sobs, alas...I didn't, I can't cry that easily anymore. Instead, when I sat down at my desk, I flipped the teevee on, probably the only teevee I've watched in two weeks. Happily enough, the Simpsons were on. That put me in a good enough mood to eventually hop in the shower and wash my hair. Speaking of my hair, I want to put streaks in it. This "normalacy" is not entirely me and I feel dull. I'm thinking blonde or bright red...perhaps both. Eventually, when it's healthy enough, we'll go back to the fire-fade. *royal wave for a royal we*

I'm going to snap soon.
I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very...fucking tired.
I'm fighting it though. The little distractions that you lovely people provide, the support, the humor, they make it okay...bring my brain waves back to some sense of sanity. I missed Con. I'm very upset by this. I'm happy though because it sounds like everyone had a good time. I hereby vow that APE will be the best ever.

I was late to group, a half an hour late. Luckily he let it slide because it wasn't my fault. TWO of the mother effing buses passed us up because they were full. I waited for my second bus for about 20 minutes downtown at around 7:30pm. The lighting among the seemingly post-apocolyptic, after business hours buildings was somewhat inspiring, breathtaking in a heartbreaking, needful way. I had forgotten how I need to be surrounded by tall buildings. It keeps me in perspective, reminds me how small I really am, forces me to rail against that smallness. I need to move.

Apparently I was supposed to be going to AA meetings this entire time. Though he thinks he told me, he did not. He just assumed I knew how the program worked. So now I have to go to one meeting a week to complete 3 by the 20th. I am going to be very, very pissed off after each of those meetings. Group is bad enough, The Cult of AA is far worse. I will have to fight for the freedom to NOT say, "Hi, My Name is Jill. I'm an alcoholic". Yes, they do expect you to say it, EVERY TIME YOU STAND UP. I can't even think of all the energy I will have to expel just trying to be civil(the last thing I need is an "incident" to get me sent back to see a judge). So yes, fun that will be not.

I'm getting some color from waiting around in the sun. Not too much. I like the more pale complexion. I don't like skin cancer. A little sun is good though. I am too tired to eat. I've been eating one meal a day. Not on purpose, and I'm not really starving myself, so that's okay. I just tried on some jeans that were formerly tight, now they hang on my hips...this is pleasing.

So here I sit, showered, shaved, smelling good, looking a little better, white tank top, black undies, and feeling sick from exhaustion. I miss people who have moved away. It's only now beginning to sink in. I've been too busy. I miss people who are here. I miss having a life. I miss...oh fuck, it's 2am. I really have to stop this.

Goodnight.
***

Comments

Bllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!

[locopuff.livejournal.com]

We love yoooooooouuuuuuuuuu!!!!!


We was all sayin', "Damn, wish Blu coulda made it."

APE will be good. Also, Con next year will be nice. I thought it was nice with us three and then other people there, but it would have been even better if you had been able to make it. RARRRRR!!!!!

*HUGS!*

I have to go to group today, as well :( I loathe being in a group. I hate people. I want to murder folks. RARRRRR!!!!

Poop.

I have insomnia. Off to masturbate a lot!

[masquerader.livejournal.com]

As insignificant as I may be in yer overall life, I de still cling te the fact that I know I've made ye happy on occasion. The fashionable *winks* realm ye've recently entered inte can dull some 'o the day's persecution with glittery mockin' 'n egotism. Iffin nothin' else, keep postin', keep readin’ journals, keep attemptin' te slash me apart whenever ye can. Dinnae de wot I de 'n neglect people. It kicks ye in the arse later on.

[gaffeizil.livejournal.com]

The Simpsons do that for me too, on occasion. Gawd bless 'em.
I share your pain with the bus system. The OCTA is my enemy. There were too many incidents where I would be running and flailing my arms in the air at the driver as he pulled away, just because I wasn't right there at the stop when he got there. Though while you have to deal with crappy stuff like guys hitting on you, I only got retards with chocolate cookie all over their faces rocking madly back and forth next to me, shouting things like, "Llllleonard Greeeene... aaAAAAAHHH!!!" routinely every 6 seconds. :\ Not nearly as bad, but eh, it's a story.

[ex-sia857.livejournal.com]

AA meetings suck [copious amounts of ass, for a million different reasons], but you DON'T have to participate. At least not in any of the ones I attended, and I went to three different locations. At any given time, at least 30% of the attendees are there for the same reason you are, and you DON'T have to say you're an alcoholic. You don't even have to SPEAK. If you're getting roped into this shit, find a different meeting (if possible).

[catnamedcosette.livejournal.com]

I LOVE YOU!!!!

I MISS YOU!!!!

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

I hate AA and I've never even been to a meeting. I didn't know you had to say you were an alcoholic every time you went there. ?! Yeesh. Is the 20th the last time you have to go?

It's been awhile...I post!

[(Anonymous)]

Things riding public transportation for five years has given me: A farmer's tan. A 45-minute ride, minimum, just to get to my car. Raging impatience at how late that makes me, and how much time it all eats up. Not enough exercise to matter. But...I still hate traffic more. :D

I'd heard, in some forgotten time, that AA's twelve steps are laced with Christianity. I really hope that's not true, for your sake.

Someday, when I win the lottery and have lots of money, I will be able to actually fly out for ComicCon and/or APE. How nice to accomplish all my obscure comics shopping in one fell swoop. I did get to go to Otakon, though, so I suppose it evens out.

Dying your hair is something nice you can do for yourself that will pay itself back every time you look in the mirror; every little bit helps. Bright red sounds cool.

I fervently hope you can get more sleep somehow....combined with the lack of food, high stress, and risky bus-taking, that really isn't good. Believe it or not, I worry. Take care....!

meep! --rueyeet the vagrant

my turn!

[(Anonymous)]

hi,i'm spook and i ride a bike.
i would never call me a cyclist though.
i prefure pedestrian on a bike...yup.
iz cheeper than bus and more exercise and cheeper than gym...yey.
riding your bike around while high on shrooms during a lightning storm admireing architechture of old victorian houses on halloween eve is also fun.

[not-this-time.livejournal.com]

I miss you girlie!!