Aug. 7th, 2002

blustocking: (ICANSEEYOURSOUL!)
I don't know why I am writing this...okay, I do, but I should be asleep.

I just want some of you to know that my neglect is not intentional by any means. This is where I am right now. Let the purging commence...

I was near tears when I finally got home, at 11, before midnight for a change. I was so tired, I just wanted to weep tired little sobs, alas...I didn't, I can't cry that easily anymore. Instead, when I sat down at my desk, I flipped the teevee on, probably the only teevee I've watched in two weeks. Happily enough, the Simpsons were on. That put me in a good enough mood to eventually hop in the shower and wash my hair. Speaking of my hair, I want to put streaks in it. This "normalacy" is not entirely me and I feel dull. I'm thinking blonde or bright red...perhaps both. Eventually, when it's healthy enough, we'll go back to the fire-fade. *royal wave for a royal we*

I'm going to snap soon.
I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very...fucking tired.
I'm fighting it though. The little distractions that you lovely people provide, the support, the humor, they make it okay...bring my brain waves back to some sense of sanity. I missed Con. I'm very upset by this. I'm happy though because it sounds like everyone had a good time. I hereby vow that APE will be the best ever.

I was late to group, a half an hour late. Luckily he let it slide because it wasn't my fault. TWO of the mother effing buses passed us up because they were full. I waited for my second bus for about 20 minutes downtown at around 7:30pm. The lighting among the seemingly post-apocolyptic, after business hours buildings was somewhat inspiring, breathtaking in a heartbreaking, needful way. I had forgotten how I need to be surrounded by tall buildings. It keeps me in perspective, reminds me how small I really am, forces me to rail against that smallness. I need to move.

Apparently I was supposed to be going to AA meetings this entire time. Though he thinks he told me, he did not. He just assumed I knew how the program worked. So now I have to go to one meeting a week to complete 3 by the 20th. I am going to be very, very pissed off after each of those meetings. Group is bad enough, The Cult of AA is far worse. I will have to fight for the freedom to NOT say, "Hi, My Name is Jill. I'm an alcoholic". Yes, they do expect you to say it, EVERY TIME YOU STAND UP. I can't even think of all the energy I will have to expel just trying to be civil(the last thing I need is an "incident" to get me sent back to see a judge). So yes, fun that will be not.

I'm getting some color from waiting around in the sun. Not too much. I like the more pale complexion. I don't like skin cancer. A little sun is good though. I am too tired to eat. I've been eating one meal a day. Not on purpose, and I'm not really starving myself, so that's okay. I just tried on some jeans that were formerly tight, now they hang on my hips...this is pleasing.

So here I sit, showered, shaved, smelling good, looking a little better, white tank top, black undies, and feeling sick from exhaustion. I miss people who have moved away. It's only now beginning to sink in. I've been too busy. I miss people who are here. I miss having a life. I miss...oh fuck, it's 2am. I really have to stop this.

blustocking: (tielookup)
Oops, I did it again.
blustocking: (Default)
anyone else having trouble with their friend's page?

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