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I am emanating heat
Aug. 7th, 2001 11:26 pmI return, a little more tired, a little more sore, with more color, and more stressed than I was a half an hour ago.
I'm tired. I have a slight tan on arms and face and feet, the only parts I would let be exposed to the sun. (I have to admit though, sitting on the beach at Venice, making a sandcastle while sucking on a cherry sucker and watching my Niece and Nephew in the ocean was fun.) They're gone now. Mom left Sunday. Sis and "kids" left today. I miss them.
My Sister asked me if I was Bi. I told her "Yes." She was okay with it. She said she's known for awhile now. (Even before I thought she would have known. Family. They always know and they always ignore it until it's smacking them in the face.) My Mom also knows where I work and what it is. She's okay with it too, or so she says. I hate that town. Don't. Don't even think of moving back. Don't. Not yet. I have to live.
A half an hour ago the doorbell rang and we were handed a Notice of Rent Increase. Guess how much? Almost $400.00 ($200 a piece). This is stressful. This is a throwback to the old days of "How am I going to pay bills, rent, car repairs" Speaking of which, I have a car payment to make now, I will soon be poor. It was nice while it lasted. I don't know how I feel about this though. I will most certainly have to move out, as I will not pay almost $700 a month to live with someone I don't want to live with. I might as well use this as an escape route. Maybe this is a good thing, but it's hard to see through the anxiety. The anxiety that I feed on....gargh, interrupted train of thought by Christopher who wanted to know if I did anything to fix my board as Spookyland is down, alas, I did not.
So yes, I crave chaos. I hate it and I love it. It makes me feel horrible and useful, makes me grab hold of the reins and take control again, makes the sea churn so that I can calm it on my own.
This would all be so much easier if I weren't alone.
I can handle pretty much anything, without resulting in depression, if I have someone.
So needy, so stubborn, so unsure and unhappy...for now.
I'm tired. I have a slight tan on arms and face and feet, the only parts I would let be exposed to the sun. (I have to admit though, sitting on the beach at Venice, making a sandcastle while sucking on a cherry sucker and watching my Niece and Nephew in the ocean was fun.) They're gone now. Mom left Sunday. Sis and "kids" left today. I miss them.
My Sister asked me if I was Bi. I told her "Yes." She was okay with it. She said she's known for awhile now. (Even before I thought she would have known. Family. They always know and they always ignore it until it's smacking them in the face.) My Mom also knows where I work and what it is. She's okay with it too, or so she says. I hate that town. Don't. Don't even think of moving back. Don't. Not yet. I have to live.
A half an hour ago the doorbell rang and we were handed a Notice of Rent Increase. Guess how much? Almost $400.00 ($200 a piece). This is stressful. This is a throwback to the old days of "How am I going to pay bills, rent, car repairs" Speaking of which, I have a car payment to make now, I will soon be poor. It was nice while it lasted. I don't know how I feel about this though. I will most certainly have to move out, as I will not pay almost $700 a month to live with someone I don't want to live with. I might as well use this as an escape route. Maybe this is a good thing, but it's hard to see through the anxiety. The anxiety that I feed on....gargh, interrupted train of thought by Christopher who wanted to know if I did anything to fix my board as Spookyland is down, alas, I did not.
So yes, I crave chaos. I hate it and I love it. It makes me feel horrible and useful, makes me grab hold of the reins and take control again, makes the sea churn so that I can calm it on my own.
This would all be so much easier if I weren't alone.
I can handle pretty much anything, without resulting in depression, if I have someone.
So needy, so stubborn, so unsure and unhappy...for now.
