bitter disguise

You stupid, stupid little girl.
Every fucking time.

cherry embers blown out into the stars
left to drift upon the vacuum of space
black and blue, twinkling like a beautiful bruise
the sunshine bliss of a waking dream, marred only by your lack of
morals, honesty, and "a good home life".
Daddy, can we keep him?
No.

Why should I waste my time teaching when you'll never learn.
But I will.
I've learned.

Enjoy your oasis.

(no subject)

"The Middle" seems to be my theme song as of late. It came on again as I sat in the car, quite fucking distressed about something I won't go into publicly.

And KROQ actually played "Tom's Diner". I love that song.

Top 3 Worst Things Anyone Can Do To Me:

1. Deceive me.
2. Make me feel like one of many, like I'm not special.
3. Make me feel stupid.

3 for 3, not bad.

90 MOTHERFUCKING 10

I am only now beginning to believe you.
To see how COMPLETELY FUCKED UP you are.

I'm always the last one to see it. Do I give people too much benefit-of-the-doubt? Or am I just thorough? Little of both maybe? I really shouldn't ignore my instincts so much...I really, really, shouldn't.
.

if she wouldn't have to be the one to find me...

Okay..long time coming..here's your explanation:

Rather, why don't I just begin listing the reasons why I think I should move home, or at the very least, out of this city (this basically means Portland).

This may appear as if I'm doing this for my family, and yes, that is one of the reasons...but I would not consider doing this if I didn't have a vested personal interest in it.
Selfish, yes. SELF-ABSORBED, yes...I AM a Libra after all. The thing is, this is the first time moving home has actually appealed to me. I would essentially, be doing this for ME. To get MY shit together. To pay down MY debt. To finish school for ME. To get away from the fucking drama and start over again. To embrace simplicity and shun so many distractions for a bit. I love my Los Angeles friends, I really, really do. But if you asked me RIGHT NOW if I wanted to move home, the answer would be an emphatic yes. That isolation that a few people have mentioned as of late, is getting more and more appealing. No one will ever meet my expectations. No one will ever strike that balance of loving me and being a GOOD FUCKING PERSON...at least not right now, not here. I'm talking about romantic love by the way...I know I am loved and you don't know how much that means to me. But I miss love...real, honest, two-person love...and this city is feeding my bitterness.

I looked at my writing and my paintings that I left back home...I did so much more when I was there. More unhappiness at being caged, but less distractions. It's a trade-off I think I'm finally ready to accept. At least for the 3, maybe 4, years it will take to finish school. I think I would actually be stronger for moving back for awhile, rather than weak at running home. Choices. Choices made with only my best interests in mind.

I miss seasonal change. I miss Autumn. I miss KU. I miss that campus. And yes, I must admit....big fish, little pond, is a little enticing.

My niece and nephew will graduate high school in 2/3 years. I've missed them growing up. She wants me around to talk to. I want to be there for them.

My Father is so much happier when I'm at home.

I'll be closer to moving to New York. Or I could always move to Portland after.

I could finally save enough money to TRAVEL. Such a big, big plus. I haven't even been out of the country.

The image of the greenery, the rain, the falling leaves outside, me and my cat...and my other cat that I left at home, living in my own little apartment, going to school, writing, painting, focusing on what, at 16, I had thought was simply GOING to be my lot in life, but is moving further and further away...dreams fade and I'd like to see if I can bring them back.

I don't know. This isn't really the right time to be writing this as I feel like running away from a few things, but well....there you go.

I'm sincerely very bitter right now. I'm having many trust issues right now...not with my REAL friends mind you...but with others. So this is tainted, but essentially how I feel. The percentage of move vs. stay changes daily, but those are the reasons. I still have quite a few months to decide.

Don't even get me started on the things/people I will miss. That is for a later entry, maybe when I'm more sure.

Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. I will spend the next, hopefully only 3, days responding to emails/posts that should have been replied to a long time ago. Not to mention taking care of some other "stuff".

challenge

NO ONE is ever truly honest.

I'm sick of this.
I want to fucking hash it all out. Fucking social politics. Fucking sides.
Bullshit.

C'mon. Out with it.
Be honest, to yourself for once.

Oh yes, I am guilty. I am guilty right now. I'm being vague so none of you REALLY know who I am talking about. Maybe it's not just one person even. Right now, you're probably thinking it's you...if you're what...about 5 different people that it really could be. If you're not, be fucking thankful.

I just wanted to be a good friend. I just wanted good friends. I have been deceived.
Do not speak to me of "love". You have no idea.

You could be such a good person...you just choose not to.

Oh Livejournal, you're getting a workout today.

(no subject)

Since a few people seem to be squiriming in their seat, I'm going to write a long, honest letter to the person I'm talking about. It is, however, between us. And no, nothing "specific" has happened.

End.

85/15

Okay, I feel a little better now that I've written the letter. I don't know if I should send it though...maybe later. We'll see.

Now, that was too much shit for one day, so here's a little something.
Don't forget to click on the little piano at the bottom for much more "enjoyment".

Nothin' like a little Jimmy Eat World to cheer my ass up a little.