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blustockingOkay..long time coming..here's your explanation:
Rather, why don't I just begin listing the reasons why I think I should move home, or at the very least, out of this city (this basically means Portland).
This may appear as if I'm doing this for my family, and yes, that is one of the reasons...but I would not consider doing this if I didn't have a vested personal interest in it.
Selfish, yes. SELF-ABSORBED, yes...I AM a Libra after all. The thing is, this is the first time moving home has actually appealed to me. I would essentially, be doing this for ME. To get MY shit together. To pay down MY debt. To finish school for ME. To get away from the fucking drama and start over again. To embrace simplicity and shun so many distractions for a bit. I love my Los Angeles friends, I really, really do. But if you asked me RIGHT NOW if I wanted to move home, the answer would be an emphatic yes. That isolation that a few people have mentioned as of late, is getting more and more appealing. No one will ever meet my expectations. No one will ever strike that balance of loving me and being a GOOD FUCKING PERSON...at least not right now, not here. I'm talking about romantic love by the way...I know I am loved and you don't know how much that means to me. But I miss love...real, honest, two-person love...and this city is feeding my bitterness.
I looked at my writing and my paintings that I left back home...I did so much more when I was there. More unhappiness at being caged, but less distractions. It's a trade-off I think I'm finally ready to accept. At least for the 3, maybe 4, years it will take to finish school. I think I would actually be stronger for moving back for awhile, rather than weak at running home. Choices. Choices made with only my best interests in mind.
I miss seasonal change. I miss Autumn. I miss KU. I miss that campus. And yes, I must admit....big fish, little pond, is a little enticing.
My niece and nephew will graduate high school in 2/3 years. I've missed them growing up. She wants me around to talk to. I want to be there for them.
My Father is so much happier when I'm at home.
I'll be closer to moving to New York. Or I could always move to Portland after.
I could finally save enough money to TRAVEL. Such a big, big plus. I haven't even been out of the country.
The image of the greenery, the rain, the falling leaves outside, me and my cat...and my other cat that I left at home, living in my own little apartment, going to school, writing, painting, focusing on what, at 16, I had thought was simply GOING to be my lot in life, but is moving further and further away...dreams fade and I'd like to see if I can bring them back.
I don't know. This isn't really the right time to be writing this as I feel like running away from a few things, but well....there you go.
I'm sincerely very bitter right now. I'm having many trust issues right now...not with my REAL friends mind you...but with others. So this is tainted, but essentially how I feel. The percentage of move vs. stay changes daily, but those are the reasons. I still have quite a few months to decide.
Don't even get me started on the things/people I will miss. That is for a later entry, maybe when I'm more sure.
Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. I will spend the next, hopefully only 3, days responding to emails/posts that should have been replied to a long time ago. Not to mention taking care of some other "stuff".
Rather, why don't I just begin listing the reasons why I think I should move home, or at the very least, out of this city (this basically means Portland).
This may appear as if I'm doing this for my family, and yes, that is one of the reasons...but I would not consider doing this if I didn't have a vested personal interest in it.
Selfish, yes. SELF-ABSORBED, yes...I AM a Libra after all. The thing is, this is the first time moving home has actually appealed to me. I would essentially, be doing this for ME. To get MY shit together. To pay down MY debt. To finish school for ME. To get away from the fucking drama and start over again. To embrace simplicity and shun so many distractions for a bit. I love my Los Angeles friends, I really, really do. But if you asked me RIGHT NOW if I wanted to move home, the answer would be an emphatic yes. That isolation that a few people have mentioned as of late, is getting more and more appealing. No one will ever meet my expectations. No one will ever strike that balance of loving me and being a GOOD FUCKING PERSON...at least not right now, not here. I'm talking about romantic love by the way...I know I am loved and you don't know how much that means to me. But I miss love...real, honest, two-person love...and this city is feeding my bitterness.
I looked at my writing and my paintings that I left back home...I did so much more when I was there. More unhappiness at being caged, but less distractions. It's a trade-off I think I'm finally ready to accept. At least for the 3, maybe 4, years it will take to finish school. I think I would actually be stronger for moving back for awhile, rather than weak at running home. Choices. Choices made with only my best interests in mind.
I miss seasonal change. I miss Autumn. I miss KU. I miss that campus. And yes, I must admit....big fish, little pond, is a little enticing.
My niece and nephew will graduate high school in 2/3 years. I've missed them growing up. She wants me around to talk to. I want to be there for them.
My Father is so much happier when I'm at home.
I'll be closer to moving to New York. Or I could always move to Portland after.
I could finally save enough money to TRAVEL. Such a big, big plus. I haven't even been out of the country.
The image of the greenery, the rain, the falling leaves outside, me and my cat...and my other cat that I left at home, living in my own little apartment, going to school, writing, painting, focusing on what, at 16, I had thought was simply GOING to be my lot in life, but is moving further and further away...dreams fade and I'd like to see if I can bring them back.
I don't know. This isn't really the right time to be writing this as I feel like running away from a few things, but well....there you go.
I'm sincerely very bitter right now. I'm having many trust issues right now...not with my REAL friends mind you...but with others. So this is tainted, but essentially how I feel. The percentage of move vs. stay changes daily, but those are the reasons. I still have quite a few months to decide.
Don't even get me started on the things/people I will miss. That is for a later entry, maybe when I'm more sure.
Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. I will spend the next, hopefully only 3, days responding to emails/posts that should have been replied to a long time ago. Not to mention taking care of some other "stuff".
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no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 01:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 01:52 pm (UTC)I'm still applying to KU, but hoping to go to Savannah College of Art and Design..
god I love Lawrence... mmyup...
hope the wisdom teeth thing goes well... I know that is a pain in the ass...
no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 02:01 pm (UTC)Sorry I saw that and had to comment.
I'M SOOOOO FUNNY.
no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 02:06 pm (UTC)good point.. okay... pain in the mouth any better?
it just doesn't have that sort of stinging ring to it like 'pain in the ass' does..
no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 01:52 pm (UTC)I understand wanting/needing to get away, fully. That's why I left CA. I needed to leave. It was time. It felt right. Some called it running away. Maybe... people can think what they want; they always do, anyhow, if for no better reason than to feel superior. Whatever gets them off, right? But I always know when I'm running away from something a few months after I've done it - there's that Oh, Shit feeling. And much more than three months later, I still know I did the right thing. I'm happy.
All your reasons are excellent reasons, not that you need anyone to validate that ;P And you're a totally bodacious and most excellent person, Bill.... I mean, Jill ;) You should be happy. You should do what will bring you closer to that.
But you better stay in touch missy, no matter what you decide to do!
Or I'll unleash a can of pink vinyl whoopass on a certain Blu-pirate!
I promise :)
no subject
For you though...only you know what's right for you. You know you will be missed around here. I think that goes without saying. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.
By the way, one of these days I'm going to end up in New York City. It's my next destination. When I get there, I'll look you up.
no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 02:10 pm (UTC)Yes, the isolation and the distraction free environment are rewarding, but I am also stuck in a city with no access, transportation, job, friends, privacy, adventure, seasons, et cetera. You at least will be tromping on old but familiar stomping grounds and will still have your independence. Your situation varies a little from mine.
Believe me, I thought the same things you just said when I moved out here. It has only gotten worse. I don't feel built back up. I feel more naked and striped then I ever had in my entire life.
Just think about all the pros and cons. You might end up kicking yourself in the back of the pants later on. Then again, your family probably shows their support for you defiantly then mine. Mine show as much support as an anchor weighting me down to the depths of the ocean, but hey, it's support I guess. Gah!
Best of luck deciding.
no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 02:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 02:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 04:46 pm (UTC)autumn, thunderstorms .. leaves .. these things you will love. i know.
and yes, just as everyone says, only you know what is right. there comes a time when one must do for themself. the fact that you're thinking about it is good. and frankly, from what you've stated, it sounds like a good one.