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blustockingOkay..long time coming..here's your explanation:
Rather, why don't I just begin listing the reasons why I think I should move home, or at the very least, out of this city (this basically means Portland).
This may appear as if I'm doing this for my family, and yes, that is one of the reasons...but I would not consider doing this if I didn't have a vested personal interest in it.
Selfish, yes. SELF-ABSORBED, yes...I AM a Libra after all. The thing is, this is the first time moving home has actually appealed to me. I would essentially, be doing this for ME. To get MY shit together. To pay down MY debt. To finish school for ME. To get away from the fucking drama and start over again. To embrace simplicity and shun so many distractions for a bit. I love my Los Angeles friends, I really, really do. But if you asked me RIGHT NOW if I wanted to move home, the answer would be an emphatic yes. That isolation that a few people have mentioned as of late, is getting more and more appealing. No one will ever meet my expectations. No one will ever strike that balance of loving me and being a GOOD FUCKING PERSON...at least not right now, not here. I'm talking about romantic love by the way...I know I am loved and you don't know how much that means to me. But I miss love...real, honest, two-person love...and this city is feeding my bitterness.
I looked at my writing and my paintings that I left back home...I did so much more when I was there. More unhappiness at being caged, but less distractions. It's a trade-off I think I'm finally ready to accept. At least for the 3, maybe 4, years it will take to finish school. I think I would actually be stronger for moving back for awhile, rather than weak at running home. Choices. Choices made with only my best interests in mind.
I miss seasonal change. I miss Autumn. I miss KU. I miss that campus. And yes, I must admit....big fish, little pond, is a little enticing.
My niece and nephew will graduate high school in 2/3 years. I've missed them growing up. She wants me around to talk to. I want to be there for them.
My Father is so much happier when I'm at home.
I'll be closer to moving to New York. Or I could always move to Portland after.
I could finally save enough money to TRAVEL. Such a big, big plus. I haven't even been out of the country.
The image of the greenery, the rain, the falling leaves outside, me and my cat...and my other cat that I left at home, living in my own little apartment, going to school, writing, painting, focusing on what, at 16, I had thought was simply GOING to be my lot in life, but is moving further and further away...dreams fade and I'd like to see if I can bring them back.
I don't know. This isn't really the right time to be writing this as I feel like running away from a few things, but well....there you go.
I'm sincerely very bitter right now. I'm having many trust issues right now...not with my REAL friends mind you...but with others. So this is tainted, but essentially how I feel. The percentage of move vs. stay changes daily, but those are the reasons. I still have quite a few months to decide.
Don't even get me started on the things/people I will miss. That is for a later entry, maybe when I'm more sure.
Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. I will spend the next, hopefully only 3, days responding to emails/posts that should have been replied to a long time ago. Not to mention taking care of some other "stuff".
Rather, why don't I just begin listing the reasons why I think I should move home, or at the very least, out of this city (this basically means Portland).
This may appear as if I'm doing this for my family, and yes, that is one of the reasons...but I would not consider doing this if I didn't have a vested personal interest in it.
Selfish, yes. SELF-ABSORBED, yes...I AM a Libra after all. The thing is, this is the first time moving home has actually appealed to me. I would essentially, be doing this for ME. To get MY shit together. To pay down MY debt. To finish school for ME. To get away from the fucking drama and start over again. To embrace simplicity and shun so many distractions for a bit. I love my Los Angeles friends, I really, really do. But if you asked me RIGHT NOW if I wanted to move home, the answer would be an emphatic yes. That isolation that a few people have mentioned as of late, is getting more and more appealing. No one will ever meet my expectations. No one will ever strike that balance of loving me and being a GOOD FUCKING PERSON...at least not right now, not here. I'm talking about romantic love by the way...I know I am loved and you don't know how much that means to me. But I miss love...real, honest, two-person love...and this city is feeding my bitterness.
I looked at my writing and my paintings that I left back home...I did so much more when I was there. More unhappiness at being caged, but less distractions. It's a trade-off I think I'm finally ready to accept. At least for the 3, maybe 4, years it will take to finish school. I think I would actually be stronger for moving back for awhile, rather than weak at running home. Choices. Choices made with only my best interests in mind.
I miss seasonal change. I miss Autumn. I miss KU. I miss that campus. And yes, I must admit....big fish, little pond, is a little enticing.
My niece and nephew will graduate high school in 2/3 years. I've missed them growing up. She wants me around to talk to. I want to be there for them.
My Father is so much happier when I'm at home.
I'll be closer to moving to New York. Or I could always move to Portland after.
I could finally save enough money to TRAVEL. Such a big, big plus. I haven't even been out of the country.
The image of the greenery, the rain, the falling leaves outside, me and my cat...and my other cat that I left at home, living in my own little apartment, going to school, writing, painting, focusing on what, at 16, I had thought was simply GOING to be my lot in life, but is moving further and further away...dreams fade and I'd like to see if I can bring them back.
I don't know. This isn't really the right time to be writing this as I feel like running away from a few things, but well....there you go.
I'm sincerely very bitter right now. I'm having many trust issues right now...not with my REAL friends mind you...but with others. So this is tainted, but essentially how I feel. The percentage of move vs. stay changes daily, but those are the reasons. I still have quite a few months to decide.
Don't even get me started on the things/people I will miss. That is for a later entry, maybe when I'm more sure.
Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. I will spend the next, hopefully only 3, days responding to emails/posts that should have been replied to a long time ago. Not to mention taking care of some other "stuff".
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no subject
Date: 2002-06-13 04:46 pm (UTC)autumn, thunderstorms .. leaves .. these things you will love. i know.
and yes, just as everyone says, only you know what is right. there comes a time when one must do for themself. the fact that you're thinking about it is good. and frankly, from what you've stated, it sounds like a good one.