I'm fine. Thanks for asking.

Do you remember when you died?
Do you get off on your death rattle symphony? Do you remember the way your brain seized and your lips sputtered? Do you remember your last stupid thoughts? Do you? Do you fucking remember?
Bullshit. It's all bullshit.
Remember your jerking limbs and evacuating your bowels on cold linoleum. Never forget it, you cocksucking waste of human decency. Remember looking down at your completely inappropriate erection. Once, twice, blink, thrice...before fixing your wild, wide-eyed gaze upon my smirking countenance.
But most of all, remember my smile.
My Judas-kiss forever burned on your lips as you tremble and convulse, blood tenderly oozing from the corners of your mouth as your candy-coated orbs roll back into your mindless skull.
I'd fucking punch you, if you weren't already dead.

"Was in the merry month of May
When flowers were a bloomin'
Sweet William on his death-bed lay
For the love of Barbara Allen

Slowly, slowly she got up
And slowly she went nigh him
And all she said when she got there
"Young man, I think you're dying"

_____________________________________________________________

This is what happens when I keep it in.
It reminds me of the book I started to write, yet have neglected for years now. Perhaps I'll start again. Pardon me, but I'm not crazy.

****

"I am stupid, and all I do is want and need things"

It's only Tuesday? You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Let's clear one thing up, because apparently all those years of being vague enough so that people don't have an "in" have taken their toll. If I don't put something in italics, quotes, or cite an author, I wrote it. Case in point, previous entry. I wrote all of it but the song (in italics). I looked back and saw how it could be confusing. So yeah, if you hated it. I'm the one to blame. If you liked it, I'm the one to blame. Subject lines are often an exception if I think most of you know where the line came from.

I feel blind.
I feel like I'm losing. I feel like I've already lost. But is it in my head? Am I reading into things. This is me, being slightly vague again.

No one is self-sufficient.
Most of us have to make connections, let others in to mess around with your insides. It's a shame, because most people will just end up fucking you over in one way or another...intentional or not.

I try not to need people.
Want them around, miss them, love them even, but don't need them. The minute you start needing someone the pressure builds and they often crack and run away. Everyone you need will leave. You'll push them away. And then you'll be left with this stupid flailing feeling of abandonment.

That's all well and good, but sometimes "needing someone" can sneak up on you and sucker-punch you in the gut. Then you double over with a resigned, "Fuck."

I don't know how much of this true, how much of it I believe. But I do know there is danger in need. Do you like to be needed? Seriously, I want answers on this. Romantically, or whatever. Does it scare you to know that someone needs you? You now have a "responsibility", yeah? Girls will romanticize this need and deal with it I think, but guys, is it scary as all fuck? Does it make you cringe? One of the people in my writing workshop last year wrote and read a story based on this. The guy in the story had a girl, a long-term thing, on another coast. She had moved recently to start a better job. He was supposed to follow a few months later. In those few months, he met and fucked about 3 or 4 of his exes, supposedly not pre-meditated. Though I cringed at the thought, I was the only one to defend this character (mostly because the women in the story (aside from the one long-term one) were disgusting, needy, slobbering dumbasses). It struck me as a truth. The guy ended up suddenly coming to the conclusion that the girl waiting for him miles away was the one he wanted. She was the only one who didn't need anything from him. The only one who loved him, wanted him, but didn't need him.
Of course, in real life, had she found out about what he'd done, he wouldn't have been able to go to her. But the theory...there's a kernel of truth there, yeah? Or am I just daft?
Bleh.
Brains are highly overrated.

HAHA! NO MORE THINKING!

What I really want to know is...

Why you gots ta be like dat, bish?

I need more caffeine.
Caffeine makes everything aaaa-ooooookay. >_O

"I spank you like a bad, bad donkey, okay."
--Pepe the King Prawn



Dood, I've so completely had enough of my shit.
No matter how bad it gets, and it could get worse. No matter what my paranoid little mind cooks up, no matter what the outcome, you know what...I'm not dead.

OH SHIT! WHAT IF I'M DEAD?!

;)

CUT THESE OFF, WILL YA...bloomin' Livejournal.
********************************************************************************