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blustockingIt's only Tuesday? You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Let's clear one thing up, because apparently all those years of being vague enough so that people don't have an "in" have taken their toll. If I don't put something in italics, quotes, or cite an author, I wrote it. Case in point, previous entry. I wrote all of it but the song (in italics). I looked back and saw how it could be confusing. So yeah, if you hated it. I'm the one to blame. If you liked it, I'm the one to blame. Subject lines are often an exception if I think most of you know where the line came from.
I feel blind.
I feel like I'm losing. I feel like I've already lost. But is it in my head? Am I reading into things. This is me, being slightly vague again.
No one is self-sufficient.
Most of us have to make connections, let others in to mess around with your insides. It's a shame, because most people will just end up fucking you over in one way or another...intentional or not.
I try not to need people.
Want them around, miss them, love them even, but don't need them. The minute you start needing someone the pressure builds and they often crack and run away. Everyone you need will leave. You'll push them away. And then you'll be left with this stupid flailing feeling of abandonment.
That's all well and good, but sometimes "needing someone" can sneak up on you and sucker-punch you in the gut. Then you double over with a resigned, "Fuck."
I don't know how much of this true, how much of it I believe. But I do know there is danger in need. Do you like to be needed? Seriously, I want answers on this. Romantically, or whatever. Does it scare you to know that someone needs you? You now have a "responsibility", yeah? Girls will romanticize this need and deal with it I think, but guys, is it scary as all fuck? Does it make you cringe? One of the people in my writing workshop last year wrote and read a story based on this. The guy in the story had a girl, a long-term thing, on another coast. She had moved recently to start a better job. He was supposed to follow a few months later. In those few months, he met and fucked about 3 or 4 of his exes, supposedly not pre-meditated. Though I cringed at the thought, I was the only one to defend this character (mostly because the women in the story (aside from the one long-term one) were disgusting, needy, slobbering dumbasses). It struck me as a truth. The guy ended up suddenly coming to the conclusion that the girl waiting for him miles away was the one he wanted. She was the only one who didn't need anything from him. The only one who loved him, wanted him, but didn't need him.
Of course, in real life, had she found out about what he'd done, he wouldn't have been able to go to her. But the theory...there's a kernel of truth there, yeah? Or am I just daft?
Bleh.
Brains are highly overrated.
Let's clear one thing up, because apparently all those years of being vague enough so that people don't have an "in" have taken their toll. If I don't put something in italics, quotes, or cite an author, I wrote it. Case in point, previous entry. I wrote all of it but the song (in italics). I looked back and saw how it could be confusing. So yeah, if you hated it. I'm the one to blame. If you liked it, I'm the one to blame. Subject lines are often an exception if I think most of you know where the line came from.
I feel blind.
I feel like I'm losing. I feel like I've already lost. But is it in my head? Am I reading into things. This is me, being slightly vague again.
No one is self-sufficient.
Most of us have to make connections, let others in to mess around with your insides. It's a shame, because most people will just end up fucking you over in one way or another...intentional or not.
I try not to need people.
Want them around, miss them, love them even, but don't need them. The minute you start needing someone the pressure builds and they often crack and run away. Everyone you need will leave. You'll push them away. And then you'll be left with this stupid flailing feeling of abandonment.
That's all well and good, but sometimes "needing someone" can sneak up on you and sucker-punch you in the gut. Then you double over with a resigned, "Fuck."
I don't know how much of this true, how much of it I believe. But I do know there is danger in need. Do you like to be needed? Seriously, I want answers on this. Romantically, or whatever. Does it scare you to know that someone needs you? You now have a "responsibility", yeah? Girls will romanticize this need and deal with it I think, but guys, is it scary as all fuck? Does it make you cringe? One of the people in my writing workshop last year wrote and read a story based on this. The guy in the story had a girl, a long-term thing, on another coast. She had moved recently to start a better job. He was supposed to follow a few months later. In those few months, he met and fucked about 3 or 4 of his exes, supposedly not pre-meditated. Though I cringed at the thought, I was the only one to defend this character (mostly because the women in the story (aside from the one long-term one) were disgusting, needy, slobbering dumbasses). It struck me as a truth. The guy ended up suddenly coming to the conclusion that the girl waiting for him miles away was the one he wanted. She was the only one who didn't need anything from him. The only one who loved him, wanted him, but didn't need him.
Of course, in real life, had she found out about what he'd done, he wouldn't have been able to go to her. But the theory...there's a kernel of truth there, yeah? Or am I just daft?
Bleh.
Brains are highly overrated.
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AHHH I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF NOW
When I had a girlfriend, I was scared that she didn't need me as much as I felt I needed her, and in the end I guess she didn't. I have a much longer answer, but...BAH!
Re:
Date: 2002-11-12 05:00 pm (UTC)Perhaps you can give me your longer answer over AIM someday, maybe. :/
Do I like to be needed?
Date: 2002-11-13 09:50 am (UTC)That speaks to the co-dependent in me so MUCH!
I would go one further tho, I need to be needed.
I feel worthless and unwanted if I am not needed.
But only ever romantically.
Socially I dislike friends "needing" me, and shy away from "needy" people.
Professionally, I KNOW they need me, I have a huge ego when it comes to my abilities to perform professionally.
And a bad bad habit of pushing the limits, and saying things like "What are they going to do? Fire me?"
I am a Leo/Virgo after all.
You can see the split personalities fight each other sometimes.
It's fun to live in my head.
Need to be needed.
Yes, life is easier that way.
It is so much EASIER to BE something that someone else NEEDS than to just BE you!
It is so much easier to live your life for someone else than for yourself.
Things and stuff.
Thoughts and emotions.
At times in my life I existed soley for the benefit of other people.
At other times I avoid the all-consumming need of others for fear I would drown under the weight of their need.
I walk a tight rope in life, trying to balance my need to be needed, and my need to be myself.
Sometimes I fail.
But I always try.
And I'll always need to be needed.
:)
Re: Do I like to be needed?
Date: 2002-11-14 01:22 pm (UTC)It's a hard line to walk, knowing when to reach out and when to just help yourself. Romantically, I suppose it's good to be needed. I mean, not to the point where you start saying "I'll kill myself if you leave!" or that shite, but just that you're a step up from being cared for and loved, that you play a more important part in someone's life. In friendships, yeah, that's difficult. My roommate is very needy, but not outwardly so.
Thank you for your honesty. :
well, lemme see.
Date: 2002-11-19 09:08 pm (UTC)If the question was: Do you like needing people? the answer would be a simple and resounding HELL NO. Yes, I have friends, and I recognize that no one is an island except maybe serial killers, but...shit. I just hate that feeling of my brain wanting to do one thing, and all the invisible puppet strings of me wanting something else, because my brain is usually not what wins these contests.
As to being needed....wow. I don't really know. (that's why I must post! must figure this out!) There's a certain guilt about someone else needing me, because I am a selfish bitch and want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it; so that person may need me, but there are going to be many times when I will want to be somewhere else. Romantically, with friends, family, everyone. I don't want someone to NEED me like that, because I already know I will often choose to ditch that need, and not be there. I do it all the time, willingly, knowingly.
But then my life is pretty much a see-saw between the deep, inner, genetically hard-wired Need for human connection and companionship....and not Wanting any; not wanting to have to give of myself to perform the necessary maintenance of such connections. Need and Want being seperate in this case.
There....Was that too much information or what? :)
(witness the reason I don't have a LiveJournal!!)
--rueyeet the overly confessional