blustocking | what you see is what you get

Hardly.
It's the slow sliding realization of the obvious. The fact that people, more often than not, are not what they seem. We all hide, we all cope. We all teach and we all learn, unannounced. To truly get to know someone is to realize the surface is just that, the surface. To love, is to want to burrow deeper, to sink through flesh and sinew, to cling to pulsing veins and traverse the body-flow, all just to reach the heart...of the problem. It's the desire, the need to know why. To care enough to want to understand, to step outside, to take the time. It softens reactions and actions alike, if you're open. If you're willing.

But things get in the way, we get in the way. Am I arrogant on the inside, self-degradation to overcompensate, to mask? Or is it more than that? Does my occasional arrogance hide the fear.
It's complicated.

With sex, it's easy. Or is it. I've often said, and noticed, that those interested in the darker side of love or fucking, whichever you choose, are opposite of what they would initally appear to be. If you know me, you'd think me top. If you're clever, you'd know me submissive. If you care, you'd know me a complicated mix. But that, in itself, is still just the surface.

Someone said I look tired today. I'm not.
I have to buy new jeans again. I'm shrinking.
I turned down a decent job today. I worry.
Ever find the right CD/album at the right moment in your life? It's nice.

I don't regret.
Yet still, it hurts.