Photographic hangups
Feb. 25th, 2002 04:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blustockingFirst of all, if you're reading this and are tempted to roll your eyes at the prospect of more, possibly self-deprecating, self-analysis, then fuck off. You can remove me from your friends lists right now, because for now, this is what I need to do. Besides, what better place to think about yourself outloud. I only say this, because I might be tempted to do the same if I were in your shoes. ;)
My weight/body image is not completely to blame for my hangups about looking good in photographs or in general. It's something almost equally as superficial, but it needs to be addressed, at least to myself.
I have a lazy eye. Though some people will balk at that being a "big deal", it is to me...or rather, it used to be a fucking HUGE deal. Most of the time, nowadays, you can't notice it...only when I'm fantastically exhausted. But when I was little, after surgery only served to make it worse, I had to wear a patch over one eye. Needless to say, first graders aren't the most accepting of such "abnormalities". I honestly felt like a freak. It was so much fun having kids staring and pointing at me. Hell, even adults did it. I know how odd it looks as when I see people with the same problem, even I can't help but stare and then look abruptly away. This is probably the reason I sleep so much, to avoid being tired and having it show. (That, and by god, I love sleep. Sleeping=the possibility of dreams, and I love dreams.) This is probably the reason I have the need to look good in pictures and prove to the world that I am not a "freak". No need to post and tell me I'm not a freak. I know that, at least not a freak becaue of this anyway. But it's hard to unlearn/de-tangle yourself from something you experienced in childhood. It's interesting that this would carry over and make me worry twice as much about my appearance as I should. If you ever see me with sunglasses on while I'm inside or it's dark out, you'll know why. ;)
This is also the reason I have problems looking people in the eyes. I'm getting better at that though because I'm not as tired and exhausted as I used to be, not as self-conscious. I'd get a headache literally every day in high school. That's generally how I know my eye is off, the certain headache that starts on the right side and settles in my eye, making the actual eyeball feel super sensitive and basically, for lack of a better term, floaty. Sometimes if I stress and think about it too much, I can make it cross on it's own, or get worse. GREAT AT PARTIES! woo.
Okay...I can't concentrate and I should work.
My weight/body image is not completely to blame for my hangups about looking good in photographs or in general. It's something almost equally as superficial, but it needs to be addressed, at least to myself.
I have a lazy eye. Though some people will balk at that being a "big deal", it is to me...or rather, it used to be a fucking HUGE deal. Most of the time, nowadays, you can't notice it...only when I'm fantastically exhausted. But when I was little, after surgery only served to make it worse, I had to wear a patch over one eye. Needless to say, first graders aren't the most accepting of such "abnormalities". I honestly felt like a freak. It was so much fun having kids staring and pointing at me. Hell, even adults did it. I know how odd it looks as when I see people with the same problem, even I can't help but stare and then look abruptly away. This is probably the reason I sleep so much, to avoid being tired and having it show. (That, and by god, I love sleep. Sleeping=the possibility of dreams, and I love dreams.) This is probably the reason I have the need to look good in pictures and prove to the world that I am not a "freak". No need to post and tell me I'm not a freak. I know that, at least not a freak becaue of this anyway. But it's hard to unlearn/de-tangle yourself from something you experienced in childhood. It's interesting that this would carry over and make me worry twice as much about my appearance as I should. If you ever see me with sunglasses on while I'm inside or it's dark out, you'll know why. ;)
This is also the reason I have problems looking people in the eyes. I'm getting better at that though because I'm not as tired and exhausted as I used to be, not as self-conscious. I'd get a headache literally every day in high school. That's generally how I know my eye is off, the certain headache that starts on the right side and settles in my eye, making the actual eyeball feel super sensitive and basically, for lack of a better term, floaty. Sometimes if I stress and think about it too much, I can make it cross on it's own, or get worse. GREAT AT PARTIES! woo.
Okay...I can't concentrate and I should work.
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no subject
Date: 2002-02-26 09:52 am (UTC);)
This is the best place to get this all out...that way you're not wallowing in it. I tend to overanylize things, and when the only sounding board is your own head...things get very bad, very quickly. putting it here gives you more of a grounding in reality because we can all tell you how crazy you are because you are georgeous dahling!
I do understand how you feel...but you're beautiful. You'll figure out what we already know eventually.