blustocking | all around me are familar faces...

I'm taking back my fucking journal...if only briefly.

I just sat here pondering what I COULD say in my journal, as opposed to what I WANT to say.
Fuck that.

There are some things that people need to realize, some might say I need to remember it as well. Do not read anything I write while thinking of yourself. Do not read into it. I will try and do the same. Feelings change, often by the time they're released through writing them down. Sometimes they don't...but just keep in mind that they can. So I'm a moody bitch, deal. If I see something I don't like in someone else, I really try and examine myself to see if I am guilty. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, but more people should do the same. I know it's easy to say, "no, this is who I am." but who is ever set in stone? Why would you want to be, ya old codger. I don't know. I look around and I see someone doing the same things I do, responding the same way I would, but I wonder if they see it like I do. I wonder if they realize how secretive we all are. I forget that I don't let people in on my thought process. I forget what confusion that breeds. I manipulate my image, subtly. Manipulate...such a negative word isn't it? It's not though. It's not with an ill will that I only show what I think you should see. Is it a defense? Probably. But against what? And on the flip side, because I must argue both sides...is it really better to be honest? Open? How much is too much? How much should people know about you? How much do they want to know about you? I carefully weigh what I tell people, does that make me deceitful? Do you do this too, or is it me? I write all of this knowing the simple solution, retreat to my paper journal...go back to the way it was. People didn't misunderstand then. People didn't get hurt...as much. People didn't see sides of me they might not need to see. But I'm stubborn. And I like this connection as much as I loathe it.

I'm sick of being vague, but I'm sick of other people being vague more. It seems to do nothing but cause problems. I am going to stop being fucking vague. If I have something I want to write out and I feel I can't do it without being vague, then it deserves to be on paper. From now on, honest feelings or otherwise kept away...for me, for you. Feelings are honest beasts, even if they are born from misunderstanding.

I'm such a flighty bitch, I wonder if this will stick.
I'm so sick of me sometimes.

*sigh*
I have group tonight.
I was late to work. I really need to sleep more