all around me are familar faces...

[blustocking]

I'm taking back my fucking journal...if only briefly.

I just sat here pondering what I COULD say in my journal, as opposed to what I WANT to say.
Fuck that.

There are some things that people need to realize, some might say I need to remember it as well. Do not read anything I write while thinking of yourself. Do not read into it. I will try and do the same. Feelings change, often by the time they're released through writing them down. Sometimes they don't...but just keep in mind that they can. So I'm a moody bitch, deal. If I see something I don't like in someone else, I really try and examine myself to see if I am guilty. Sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, but more people should do the same. I know it's easy to say, "no, this is who I am." but who is ever set in stone? Why would you want to be, ya old codger. I don't know. I look around and I see someone doing the same things I do, responding the same way I would, but I wonder if they see it like I do. I wonder if they realize how secretive we all are. I forget that I don't let people in on my thought process. I forget what confusion that breeds. I manipulate my image, subtly. Manipulate...such a negative word isn't it? It's not though. It's not with an ill will that I only show what I think you should see. Is it a defense? Probably. But against what? And on the flip side, because I must argue both sides...is it really better to be honest? Open? How much is too much? How much should people know about you? How much do they want to know about you? I carefully weigh what I tell people, does that make me deceitful? Do you do this too, or is it me? I write all of this knowing the simple solution, retreat to my paper journal...go back to the way it was. People didn't misunderstand then. People didn't get hurt...as much. People didn't see sides of me they might not need to see. But I'm stubborn. And I like this connection as much as I loathe it.

I'm sick of being vague, but I'm sick of other people being vague more. It seems to do nothing but cause problems. I am going to stop being fucking vague. If I have something I want to write out and I feel I can't do it without being vague, then it deserves to be on paper. From now on, honest feelings or otherwise kept away...for me, for you. Feelings are honest beasts, even if they are born from misunderstanding.

I'm such a flighty bitch, I wonder if this will stick.
I'm so sick of me sometimes.

*sigh*
I have group tonight.
I was late to work. I really need to sleep more

Comments

Whatever the case...

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

...motherevol and I think you're the cat's pajamas. (Now why a cat would wear pajamas is another story...)

Re: Murder was the case...

[motherevol.livejournal.com]

Isn't it cute how he speaks for the both of us? Like one bunghole isn't enough...

*giggle*

Okay, so the 'sceminator speaks the truth- you're the bee's knee's!
Just bee yourself and you're A.G. (all good).

I'll moida ya!

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

Bees don't have knees, either. Love those kooky sayings.

Check this out.

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

http://www.quinion.com/words/qa/qa-bee1.htm

Hahaha!

[spacegirllost.livejournal.com]

see? i hate being vague too.
and you're SO right. often i will write something and the process of writing it out and releasing it into the world helps a lot. *shrug*

i dunno... i constantly feel like i need a disclaimer on my journal saying, "hey world! this is how i feel at THIS moment. deal." my journal is not 100% of me and not everyone is going to realize that unless they sit down and talk to me face to face or on the phone. that's not to say that how i am in my journal isn't me .. it's just a fraction of me. often the paranoid, depressed, unhappy me. people don't get to see the silly, bouncing around and smiling me often unless they hang out with me.

it's just the nature of the web. sucks... *sigh*
things are SO often misconstrued .. SO often misunderstood .. SO often miscommunicated. i hate it and love it.

anyway...
you just do what you feel you need to do to make YOURSELF happy. that's the most important thing above everything else. don't step on toes, but make yourself happy. :)

i'm working on that like mad.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Yeah...during the "bad years" I had to carry a notebook. HAD to. There was some fucked up shiz in that journal, let me tell you. Heheh, I gave it to him hoping he would see how much what he did hurt. Yeah...I was a little twitchy then. (look, I'm being vague again...but part of that is the fact that I don't think anyone wants to hear this, has heard it, or I don't want to go into it). Anyway, the point is, it was seriously like a drug. I would get all crazy and panic attacky, then have to write it out. Afterwards it was such a release.

It's too bad that disclaimer isn't a given.
I tend to forget it sometimes myself.

[spacegirllost.livejournal.com]

no joke...

i had a year like that, actually. it was a relationship with a guy. he drove me nuts.
but he was TRYING to drive me nuts, i'm convinced! he was a total sadist freak-oid and would say just utter shit to get me riled up. it worked, of course.
*sigh*

but the writing really really helped. i don't think i can stop writing. it's just a matter of where it will be, really.

Re:

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

true, true...and that email I was going to write you a long time ago, it was about another similarity we have. But I didn't want to bring it up because it might get you thinking about bad things, though now I've already brought it up, so I should just shutup now. I just wanted you to know I didn't forget. I will write it.

When teachers, or anyone really, ask me why I write, the answer is simple...because I HAVE to.

[buscemi.livejournal.com]

I think most of us hold back when it comes to posting, commenting, etc. Otherwise it would be WWIII every fooking day.

[lagnolalia.livejournal.com]

Jill - if you're free on the evening of August 1, I have a proposition for you. If not, I understand.

Let me know though okay? Post here or feel free to just give me a call.

:D

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

It all depends on if I am going to Con or not...which isn't looking likely(still clinging to that thread of hope)...so it's a definite maybe.

Re: :D

[lagnolalia.livejournal.com]

Fair enough.

[qat.livejournal.com]

Heheh, I mostly stopped using my LJ for anything I was really thinking and stuff a long time ago, with a rare exception or two. It's just too public and too many people are just too stupid. Not worth it. And vagueries do get confusing, especially for naturally paranoid folk (*raises hand*). I have come to personally look at LJ as a coffee shop or something, a place where I can chat with all my friends and acquaintances and hang out for a bit, catch up, have shits and giggles and fun - it doesn't go all that deep, but the friends I see there whom I love, I am connected with in other ways, and we know it. So it serves its purpose. I would certainly never walk into a coffee shop and say "This is what's really up with me, heart-pouting commences here." If I wanted to talk more in-depth about something, there are other places and times. For me, LJ just isn't one of them anymore.

LJ IS WEIRD!

And social politics and tomfoolery stink.

Pew!

Anyhow, I feel ya dawg, it sounds familiar.

[qat.livejournal.com]

How does a heart pout?

heart-pouRing

Wow.

Re:

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

heheh, I liked the heart-pouting. :)

Hangin' at Blu's corner

[motherevol.livejournal.com]

I think of blu's journal as THEE coffeeshop. When I am really busy (which I have been nowadays), I just poke my head in here where all the cool cats hang. I am guaranteed entertainment, honesty and a good time. (blu puts out ya know).

Plus, I know I will see thistlemoon, buscemi, sia, rainstories, qat, deadlesa, glazelife and sometimes Spook or Ruyeet from the message board that I am very much neglecting in here.

It's great that her space is comfy and inviting. It's kind of like getting on the bus to go to band camp. I get to make a lot of noise with all of you in here.

Tanks Blu baby!
*smooch*

no problem

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

one lump, or two?

You KNOW what happens at band camp though. Awww ye-uh. Stupid movie reference. I rock.

Re: Band camp

[motherevol.livejournal.com]

I get to put a flute where?!

p.s. I'll take three lumps actually, since you were in a beat down mood yesterday. ;)

[sunder.livejournal.com]

I tend to agree with just letting it flow. It's been my experience that people who will get stupid over a LJ post will also find ways to do that in just about any medium. It takes too much time and effort to cater to everyone's insecurities.

[catwoman980.livejournal.com]

neeeeeeeeeeeat picture.

holy shit

[catwoman980.livejournal.com]

I just went to see if you'd changed the rest of your journal, and nealy fell over I got so dizzy.

Checkerboard patterns do that to me. O_o

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

This is true...now if I could just get over my wanting-people-to-like-me hangup. ;)
I might be guilty of it as well...but at least I'm realizing it.

[masquerader.livejournal.com]

I have this inner fight with meself daily. I think I've written one, possibly two posts that came (wait fer horridly over used line...now) straight from the heart. I shy away from emotion, generally, c'os it fucks me up the arse every single time I bend over 'n let it. By no means de we have te become frigid ice dolls, but people who launch their hearts like spit-wad balls at every passin' person are askin' te be disappointed.
I also dinnae think it's wrong iffin ye screen the things ye tell people. I used te try 'n talk te other people about me problems, c'os that dandy old "It helps if you talk about it" shyte used te hold some truth in me mind. But instead 'o feelin' better, I'd worsen watchin' the person I were lookin' te fer support glaze over 'n check out some chick's arse as I threw meself at them fer comfort. It's definitely a wise manuever te avoid slicin' open old wounds with people who are likely te pour salt inte em.
I dinnae expect anythin' from writin' this, juss expressin' me thoughts. Yer a great writer 'n I enjoy yer journal. So keep it juss fer the sake 'o entertainin' Cilian, iffin nothin' else. *smirks*
Have a good one, babe.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

you jerk, you made me smile. BUT ONLY FOR A MINUTE.

Re:

[masquerader.livejournal.com]

I'll go te the none-existin' Hell. Forever.

Worn out places, worn out faces...

[catwoman980.livejournal.com]

fuck 'em. Just be you. You rock.

Your journal is one of few I read extremely consitantly. I never skim. Part of that is because of your incredible honesty. If you were to ever piss me off (which I seriously doubt) I'd get the hell over it...and respect you more for being open with me. If others don't feel the same, tell them to eat your butt. You're probably better than they are anyway, and your butt is probably tasty. :)

yeah, EAT MY BUTT YOUS!

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

dammit, you made me smile too.
I miss the cats....wait, oh...you know what I mean.

If only I could trust some people to still be my friends through honesty. I suppose those aren't real friends though, eh?

Re: yeah, EAT MY BUTT YOUS!

[nejgasmo.livejournal.com]

You can trust me to still be your friend. You could tell me my butt smells, and I'd probably say "you know, I bet you're right. It makes sense, since poop comes out of it."

Yeah.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

hahaha!
Thank you Nej. I hope you're feeling betta. :(

[spritek.livejournal.com]

write what you need to write, /how/ you need to. sometimes being vague can show you a bigger picture than focusing on details can...
besides, if your words are misconstrued, you begin to see true colors.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

true, true. I feel like a putz being vague. I think if you can strike a happy medium though, that would be best. Of course you can't spill your guts completely (in a public forum) but you can't be expected to hold back if something is really bothering you. Damn Livejournal, so addictive, yet so high maintenence sometimes...meh, maybe I just make it that way.

[haddob.livejournal.com]

Fuck LJ!

BOTTLE IT UP, TOPEKA-CHICA

rollacosta...ov luuuuv...

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

you bastid! Here I am being all introspective and contemplatin' n' shit and you go and make me wanna yell, YEAH, FUCK YOU YA BASTADS! YA AIN'T GETTIN' IN HE-YA! NEVER!!! BWAHAHAHA!

Yeah, feelings suck.

[photicdriver.livejournal.com]

hey, parallel universe! and i can't even type right. this took 5 hours to say. no, not really.

i'm not gonna give you hugs and smooches or anything, but just remember your favorite letter of the alphabet.

Re:

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

;)