Aug. 27th, 2002

blustocking: (nielsenhold(crop))
I often sleep in this position.
Only with one hand above my head.
I must be horizontally dancing.

Meaning.

I recently found out that in Celtic astrology I am Ivy(some books say Maple tree as well). I find this amusing as Ivy is where I slept June 9th, 2002. I wonder what I looked like, pale and dead-limbed, passed out, swallowed by a bed of hungry leaves?

My head is in a thousand different places, different spaces.
I'm second-guessing everything.

When I was young, I would have long, deep discussions with my Father, sometimes my Sister and Mother too, but mostly my Father. Many times, the discussions would end with me crying over how fucked the world was...deep, heaving sobs. I remember feeling such hopelessness, such anger, such responsibility. I felt like a ten year old Atlas.

I've decided that I'm doing the world no good. I try, I do more than most, but it's not enough.
If I DO move home next year, I am thinking of spending the year that I need to get residency in Kansas, working for Greenpeace. There is a 4-day activist workshop in August I believe (because I was asked to go this year) but then you do a year travelling around the country, with very little possessions and they pay you to work the campaigns, recruit, get people involved. I don't know. Perhaps I will pick a different charity. But I've worked with Greenpeace and I like them. I also like Sierra Club quite a bit, so I don't know. This is all me thinking, but seriously thinking. I feel useless, helpless, out of
focus.

Ah....*looks over at the sleeping black heap on her bed*...but what about him. I don't know if I could leave him that long. Yes, he is a cat, he could stay with my parents. But I lost many cats that way (hit by cars). We'll see. We'll see. We shall see.

Fuck me, I can't even write anymore. Someone stole my poetry long ago.
It's a good thing too...or I'd probably be smacking myself around right now.
GO TO BED, JILL...you dumbass.

p.s. Mmmm, j'adore.

dotdotdot.

May 2010

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