second verse, same as the first
Oct. 15th, 2001 06:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blustockingI turn 24 in two days.
I know that doesn't seem old to some of you, and seems a long way off to a few of you, but I feel fucking old. I feel so boring/bored. I feel I've done NOTHING in these 24 years I've been given, and I can't get them back.
I could sit here and make up grand schemes to change this, say all of these great things about "life changes", but am I really going to do it?
I used to be a dreamer. I used to KNOW that there were great things in store for me, but somehow life's repetitive, responsible tasks doused the fire that was once in my mind, in my heart. I have too many things to do, too many things that I want to be, and this paralyzes me.
Even now, I'm cringing at how much I'm whining about it. I should just shut up and work on it, I know. But I need to flush this out of my system.
I used to think I was a great artist. I used to know that I would be an Artist someday.
Then I started seeing promise in my writing, I started getting compliments. So I said, yes, I will be both. Then I took over the lit mag in high school. AH YES! THIS is what I want to do! I can oversee a magazine of art and literature, and music....yes, music. If I weren't so damn self-conscious, I'd have pushed more for being a singer as well. So, there were 3 things that I wanted to do with my life. And I felt I had the world at my feet, I could do them all and be happy. And now, now I'm in college...still. Still in school when most of my friends graduated 2 years ago. I don't really lament this, as I've learned a lot about the "real world" by moving away from home, away from security, having to live on my own in a big city with no money. But it bothers me, I feel tied to this town for at least the next two years and I hate that.
So then, yes, school. I keep thinking about my major, my non-existent major. In essence, is it really going to matter what I major in? I mean, I can either be a poor acredited writer or a poor acredited artist. But then we have the 3rd choice now. I love Egypt. I love Ancient Egyptian history and I love Art History. I did very well in both subjects. Do I leave these as passions? Which love do I choose to suck the marrow out of? Which passion do I kill with a paycheck? Which one am I supposed to work on during the week and which ones do I dilly-dally on during the week-end? And why am I even trying to think about this now, at a time when I just want to break away. A time where I would love to put everything in storage, invest in a laptop, find a companion, travel...and fucking live.
Sometimes, when I fold my arms, I feel my skin cold and foreign...I think I'm dead and I just don't know it.
I know that doesn't seem old to some of you, and seems a long way off to a few of you, but I feel fucking old. I feel so boring/bored. I feel I've done NOTHING in these 24 years I've been given, and I can't get them back.
I could sit here and make up grand schemes to change this, say all of these great things about "life changes", but am I really going to do it?
I used to be a dreamer. I used to KNOW that there were great things in store for me, but somehow life's repetitive, responsible tasks doused the fire that was once in my mind, in my heart. I have too many things to do, too many things that I want to be, and this paralyzes me.
Even now, I'm cringing at how much I'm whining about it. I should just shut up and work on it, I know. But I need to flush this out of my system.
I used to think I was a great artist. I used to know that I would be an Artist someday.
Then I started seeing promise in my writing, I started getting compliments. So I said, yes, I will be both. Then I took over the lit mag in high school. AH YES! THIS is what I want to do! I can oversee a magazine of art and literature, and music....yes, music. If I weren't so damn self-conscious, I'd have pushed more for being a singer as well. So, there were 3 things that I wanted to do with my life. And I felt I had the world at my feet, I could do them all and be happy. And now, now I'm in college...still. Still in school when most of my friends graduated 2 years ago. I don't really lament this, as I've learned a lot about the "real world" by moving away from home, away from security, having to live on my own in a big city with no money. But it bothers me, I feel tied to this town for at least the next two years and I hate that.
So then, yes, school. I keep thinking about my major, my non-existent major. In essence, is it really going to matter what I major in? I mean, I can either be a poor acredited writer or a poor acredited artist. But then we have the 3rd choice now. I love Egypt. I love Ancient Egyptian history and I love Art History. I did very well in both subjects. Do I leave these as passions? Which love do I choose to suck the marrow out of? Which passion do I kill with a paycheck? Which one am I supposed to work on during the week and which ones do I dilly-dally on during the week-end? And why am I even trying to think about this now, at a time when I just want to break away. A time where I would love to put everything in storage, invest in a laptop, find a companion, travel...and fucking live.
Sometimes, when I fold my arms, I feel my skin cold and foreign...I think I'm dead and I just don't know it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
I am completely like that.
Date: 2001-10-15 08:21 pm (UTC)We get so wrapped up in the choices that we can't make them. I just looked into UC Santa Cruz as a way to get out of this town. I thought, hey, I could go to any UC school since that is what I've been working on, I don't have to go to UCLA...then I looked at their majors...I guess I could major in Literature instead of English. They did have a B.A. in Art History. I don't know, I'm considering it. Our illustrious Kat went to UCSC I think. I should talk to her.
As for you my dear, and I should follow my own advice, we need to work on what makes us happy. I know I sometimes get caught up on the practicality of my choices or what is expected of me. We should both just do what makes us happy, regardless of what gets complimented or condemned. Trouble is, figuring out what makes us the happiest. ;)
Hell, let's just start a band.
::nods::
Date: 2001-10-15 08:28 pm (UTC)Fuuk. I gotta learn to sew.
::sighs::
And we cant do that.
^.^ who would sing?
Battle for the mic!!
Re: ::nods::
Date: 2001-10-15 08:32 pm (UTC)We're just too creative for our own good, T-dawg.
There are plenty of bands with two chick singers! Sha!
Heheh. :)
Damn spiffy...
Date: 2001-10-15 08:49 pm (UTC)But yeah. Crafts. Ugh. I'll hot glue them all.
And yeah, we'll be Pickle Faeries LIVE!