second verse, same as the first

[blustocking]

I turn 24 in two days.

I know that doesn't seem old to some of you, and seems a long way off to a few of you, but I feel fucking old. I feel so boring/bored. I feel I've done NOTHING in these 24 years I've been given, and I can't get them back.

I could sit here and make up grand schemes to change this, say all of these great things about "life changes", but am I really going to do it?

I used to be a dreamer. I used to KNOW that there were great things in store for me, but somehow life's repetitive, responsible tasks doused the fire that was once in my mind, in my heart. I have too many things to do, too many things that I want to be, and this paralyzes me.
Even now, I'm cringing at how much I'm whining about it. I should just shut up and work on it, I know. But I need to flush this out of my system.

I used to think I was a great artist. I used to know that I would be an Artist someday.
Then I started seeing promise in my writing, I started getting compliments. So I said, yes, I will be both. Then I took over the lit mag in high school. AH YES! THIS is what I want to do! I can oversee a magazine of art and literature, and music....yes, music. If I weren't so damn self-conscious, I'd have pushed more for being a singer as well. So, there were 3 things that I wanted to do with my life. And I felt I had the world at my feet, I could do them all and be happy. And now, now I'm in college...still. Still in school when most of my friends graduated 2 years ago. I don't really lament this, as I've learned a lot about the "real world" by moving away from home, away from security, having to live on my own in a big city with no money. But it bothers me, I feel tied to this town for at least the next two years and I hate that.

So then, yes, school. I keep thinking about my major, my non-existent major. In essence, is it really going to matter what I major in? I mean, I can either be a poor acredited writer or a poor acredited artist. But then we have the 3rd choice now. I love Egypt. I love Ancient Egyptian history and I love Art History. I did very well in both subjects. Do I leave these as passions? Which love do I choose to suck the marrow out of? Which passion do I kill with a paycheck? Which one am I supposed to work on during the week and which ones do I dilly-dally on during the week-end? And why am I even trying to think about this now, at a time when I just want to break away. A time where I would love to put everything in storage, invest in a laptop, find a companion, travel...and fucking live.

Sometimes, when I fold my arms, I feel my skin cold and foreign...I think I'm dead and I just don't know it.

Comments

... fear....

[ex-titania711.livejournal.com]

This is... a very scarey post.

Firstly, no one told me it was your birthday. Damn nation.

Secondly... I am there. I am you.
Today, I wondered what I would make my major... should I stay in art? I like to write tho... maybe combine both? I love to sing... but have terrible stage freight... but maybe I could get over it, I think... maybe I could do this, and that, and and and...

And I know I'm the type of person to do that forever. Maybe I can... or... and...

And never do anything.

I'm not saying you are like that... no, I'm just typing out loud.

Ignore me.

*fears*

I am completely like that.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

And I would gather we are not alone.

We get so wrapped up in the choices that we can't make them. I just looked into UC Santa Cruz as a way to get out of this town. I thought, hey, I could go to any UC school since that is what I've been working on, I don't have to go to UCLA...then I looked at their majors...I guess I could major in Literature instead of English. They did have a B.A. in Art History. I don't know, I'm considering it. Our illustrious Kat went to UCSC I think. I should talk to her.

As for you my dear, and I should follow my own advice, we need to work on what makes us happy. I know I sometimes get caught up on the practicality of my choices or what is expected of me. We should both just do what makes us happy, regardless of what gets complimented or condemned. Trouble is, figuring out what makes us the happiest. ;)

Hell, let's just start a band.

::nods::

[ex-titania711.livejournal.com]

My most current thing is.. I want to make my own major. I want to major in fashion design. Go fig tho.. you have to make the clothes, not just draw them.
Fuuk. I gotta learn to sew.

::sighs::

And we cant do that.
^.^ who would sing?
Battle for the mic!!

Re: ::nods::

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

They expect you to MAKE the clothes TOO?! Eff that. ;)
We're just too creative for our own good, T-dawg.

There are plenty of bands with two chick singers! Sha!
Heheh. :)

Damn spiffy...

[ex-titania711.livejournal.com]

Wait.. wasn't that one of your subject a few back? ::blinks::

But yeah. Crafts. Ugh. I'll hot glue them all.

And yeah, we'll be Pickle Faeries LIVE!

[filleinvisible.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, where to start! Ok. I am 29 years old, and I am a junior in college. Well, actually a sophmore. You see, I transferred from another school. I had 61 credit hours at my first school. My current school didn't transfer 9 credits, so let me start over. I'm 29 years old, and I'm a sophmore in college. I used to feel the same way you do. I went to college part time for years, trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Finally, at the ripe old age of 26 (I think it was), I went back full-time. When I graduate, I will be 31. I used to panic. I used to compare myself to my friends who are younger than I am, and have their masters. But you know what I've discovered? Life is to be lived, not to be mapped out and planned. You can only plan so far down the road. I have no idea what I will be doing in three years. I don't care either, because what I AM DOING RIGHT NOW is what matters. You create so much angst for yourself when you start thinking about beginnings and endings. Think about the NOW. That is what matters the most. You are on your path, living your life. There is no set schedule that we all must follow, and don't let anyone try to convince you of this. Things aren't quite as bad as you think. I think that you should contact your advisor, or an art advisor and talk about this. Ask your art professors about their own personal experiences. It helps. I'm an art major, and I have no idea what I'll be doing in a year and a half when I graduate. And the thing is, I don't need to know right now. What matters right now is what's happening right now.

Now cheer up dahling! Don't feel so bad. I've got some years on you!! *hug*

Wow.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Some excellent advice, much of which I will definitely take to heart. Thank you very much. :)

Only problem is, I don't have any art classes now, and that scares me as well.
See, I started out at Kansas University being a Fine Arts major. At that school, I wasn't required to take any math or science (heh, I should have stayed) but then I decided I couldn't handle Kansas anymore and got the hell out. I left there after a year and 30 credits. So now, in order to go to a UC school, I have to have 60 transferable units. Most of these are Gen Ed (math and science dammit!) so I have all of my Art requirements fulfilled. I'm sure you wanted to hear all of that too. To answer my own question, I should probably just buckle down, take more classes, and start taking more art classes to see if that is actually what I want to do.

I know I shouldn't get all in a panic about what the hell I'm doing or where I'm going, it just hits me every so often. Thank you for bringing me back down a bit. ;)

Re: Wow.

[filleinvisible.livejournal.com]

: ) Glad my words could help.

Ugh. I did the math thing, and I still have to do a science, and a few other Gen Eds. It sucks, doesn't it?

However, try to get something out of all your classes, no matter how much you dread them. I've adopted this attitude since I will be paying for much of my education later on. It makes it less painful.

This probably sounds all hokey and motherly

[haddob.livejournal.com]

I don't think you have to worry about what the future holds because I think anything you find to love, and to do, you will do well. You're obviously no slacker, and are capable of more than a lot of people your age and older. (at least I think so) Worrying about what is to come only blurs what is coming already.

Damn, 24?! You geezer! That's like, almost 25.
I kid, don't punch.

[nejgasmo.livejournal.com]

I definitely relate to the last part. I probably won't relate as much to the rest until I'm 24. Who knows? All I know is I relate to that last part. Sometimes I just can't believe I'm me.

Happy burfday!

[freakylemur.livejournal.com]

Get very drunk and watch lots of porn!!
But whatever you do, enjoy it, damn you, cuz I can't be there!!!

;p

Paul says stuff about doing obscene and perverse things to you.... Hmm.... Yes... He has always been like that! You learn to kind of only half-hear it when he talks like that.... We expect it of him and love him for it!