second verse, same as the first
Oct. 15th, 2001 06:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blustockingI turn 24 in two days.
I know that doesn't seem old to some of you, and seems a long way off to a few of you, but I feel fucking old. I feel so boring/bored. I feel I've done NOTHING in these 24 years I've been given, and I can't get them back.
I could sit here and make up grand schemes to change this, say all of these great things about "life changes", but am I really going to do it?
I used to be a dreamer. I used to KNOW that there were great things in store for me, but somehow life's repetitive, responsible tasks doused the fire that was once in my mind, in my heart. I have too many things to do, too many things that I want to be, and this paralyzes me.
Even now, I'm cringing at how much I'm whining about it. I should just shut up and work on it, I know. But I need to flush this out of my system.
I used to think I was a great artist. I used to know that I would be an Artist someday.
Then I started seeing promise in my writing, I started getting compliments. So I said, yes, I will be both. Then I took over the lit mag in high school. AH YES! THIS is what I want to do! I can oversee a magazine of art and literature, and music....yes, music. If I weren't so damn self-conscious, I'd have pushed more for being a singer as well. So, there were 3 things that I wanted to do with my life. And I felt I had the world at my feet, I could do them all and be happy. And now, now I'm in college...still. Still in school when most of my friends graduated 2 years ago. I don't really lament this, as I've learned a lot about the "real world" by moving away from home, away from security, having to live on my own in a big city with no money. But it bothers me, I feel tied to this town for at least the next two years and I hate that.
So then, yes, school. I keep thinking about my major, my non-existent major. In essence, is it really going to matter what I major in? I mean, I can either be a poor acredited writer or a poor acredited artist. But then we have the 3rd choice now. I love Egypt. I love Ancient Egyptian history and I love Art History. I did very well in both subjects. Do I leave these as passions? Which love do I choose to suck the marrow out of? Which passion do I kill with a paycheck? Which one am I supposed to work on during the week and which ones do I dilly-dally on during the week-end? And why am I even trying to think about this now, at a time when I just want to break away. A time where I would love to put everything in storage, invest in a laptop, find a companion, travel...and fucking live.
Sometimes, when I fold my arms, I feel my skin cold and foreign...I think I'm dead and I just don't know it.
I know that doesn't seem old to some of you, and seems a long way off to a few of you, but I feel fucking old. I feel so boring/bored. I feel I've done NOTHING in these 24 years I've been given, and I can't get them back.
I could sit here and make up grand schemes to change this, say all of these great things about "life changes", but am I really going to do it?
I used to be a dreamer. I used to KNOW that there were great things in store for me, but somehow life's repetitive, responsible tasks doused the fire that was once in my mind, in my heart. I have too many things to do, too many things that I want to be, and this paralyzes me.
Even now, I'm cringing at how much I'm whining about it. I should just shut up and work on it, I know. But I need to flush this out of my system.
I used to think I was a great artist. I used to know that I would be an Artist someday.
Then I started seeing promise in my writing, I started getting compliments. So I said, yes, I will be both. Then I took over the lit mag in high school. AH YES! THIS is what I want to do! I can oversee a magazine of art and literature, and music....yes, music. If I weren't so damn self-conscious, I'd have pushed more for being a singer as well. So, there were 3 things that I wanted to do with my life. And I felt I had the world at my feet, I could do them all and be happy. And now, now I'm in college...still. Still in school when most of my friends graduated 2 years ago. I don't really lament this, as I've learned a lot about the "real world" by moving away from home, away from security, having to live on my own in a big city with no money. But it bothers me, I feel tied to this town for at least the next two years and I hate that.
So then, yes, school. I keep thinking about my major, my non-existent major. In essence, is it really going to matter what I major in? I mean, I can either be a poor acredited writer or a poor acredited artist. But then we have the 3rd choice now. I love Egypt. I love Ancient Egyptian history and I love Art History. I did very well in both subjects. Do I leave these as passions? Which love do I choose to suck the marrow out of? Which passion do I kill with a paycheck? Which one am I supposed to work on during the week and which ones do I dilly-dally on during the week-end? And why am I even trying to think about this now, at a time when I just want to break away. A time where I would love to put everything in storage, invest in a laptop, find a companion, travel...and fucking live.
Sometimes, when I fold my arms, I feel my skin cold and foreign...I think I'm dead and I just don't know it.
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Wow.
Date: 2001-10-15 09:34 pm (UTC)Only problem is, I don't have any art classes now, and that scares me as well.
See, I started out at Kansas University being a Fine Arts major. At that school, I wasn't required to take any math or science (heh, I should have stayed) but then I decided I couldn't handle Kansas anymore and got the hell out. I left there after a year and 30 credits. So now, in order to go to a UC school, I have to have 60 transferable units. Most of these are Gen Ed (math and science dammit!) so I have all of my Art requirements fulfilled. I'm sure you wanted to hear all of that too. To answer my own question, I should probably just buckle down, take more classes, and start taking more art classes to see if that is actually what I want to do.
I know I shouldn't get all in a panic about what the hell I'm doing or where I'm going, it just hits me every so often. Thank you for bringing me back down a bit. ;)
Re: Wow.
Date: 2001-10-16 06:01 pm (UTC)Ugh. I did the math thing, and I still have to do a science, and a few other Gen Eds. It sucks, doesn't it?
However, try to get something out of all your classes, no matter how much you dread them. I've adopted this attitude since I will be paying for much of my education later on. It makes it less painful.