what you see is what you get
Jun. 2nd, 2003 09:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
blustockingHardly.
It's the slow sliding realization of the obvious. The fact that people, more often than not, are not what they seem. We all hide, we all cope. We all teach and we all learn, unannounced. To truly get to know someone is to realize the surface is just that, the surface. To love, is to want to burrow deeper, to sink through flesh and sinew, to cling to pulsing veins and traverse the body-flow, all just to reach the heart...of the problem. It's the desire, the need to know why. To care enough to want to understand, to step outside, to take the time. It softens reactions and actions alike, if you're open. If you're willing.
But things get in the way, we get in the way. Am I arrogant on the inside, self-degradation to overcompensate, to mask? Or is it more than that? Does my occasional arrogance hide the fear.
It's complicated.
With sex, it's easy. Or is it. I've often said, and noticed, that those interested in the darker side of love or fucking, whichever you choose, are opposite of what they would initally appear to be. If you know me, you'd think me top. If you're clever, you'd know me submissive. If you care, you'd know me a complicated mix. But that, in itself, is still just the surface.
Someone said I look tired today. I'm not.
I have to buy new jeans again. I'm shrinking.
I turned down a decent job today. I worry.
Ever find the right CD/album at the right moment in your life? It's nice.
I don't regret.
Yet still, it hurts.
It's the slow sliding realization of the obvious. The fact that people, more often than not, are not what they seem. We all hide, we all cope. We all teach and we all learn, unannounced. To truly get to know someone is to realize the surface is just that, the surface. To love, is to want to burrow deeper, to sink through flesh and sinew, to cling to pulsing veins and traverse the body-flow, all just to reach the heart...of the problem. It's the desire, the need to know why. To care enough to want to understand, to step outside, to take the time. It softens reactions and actions alike, if you're open. If you're willing.
But things get in the way, we get in the way. Am I arrogant on the inside, self-degradation to overcompensate, to mask? Or is it more than that? Does my occasional arrogance hide the fear.
It's complicated.
With sex, it's easy. Or is it. I've often said, and noticed, that those interested in the darker side of love or fucking, whichever you choose, are opposite of what they would initally appear to be. If you know me, you'd think me top. If you're clever, you'd know me submissive. If you care, you'd know me a complicated mix. But that, in itself, is still just the surface.
Someone said I look tired today. I'm not.
I have to buy new jeans again. I'm shrinking.
I turned down a decent job today. I worry.
Ever find the right CD/album at the right moment in your life? It's nice.
I don't regret.
Yet still, it hurts.
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no subject
Date: 2003-06-02 10:25 pm (UTC)ah... so many fun adventures you and I shall have...
I played a fake-DDR tonight for about an hour.. that was my workout of the day.. except that I filled my tummy with so much waer, I feel like I've done nothing productive. I should vary my routines, switch it up between the elliptical machine and swimming laps... I desperately want to tone my arms, make them less flabby... and get less discouraged when it doesn't happened immdiately. I'm an impatient little brat =P
as for the regretting thing... I used to regret just about my entire life, sometimes I still tend to focus on the "what if's" instead of the whole thought of everything happened for a reason and now that it's done, there shouldn't need to be an afterthought of 'what if'... I tried to live by "forget regret or life is yours to miss" for a while, but I didn't completely understand it, until something monumental happened, such as breaking up with my girlfriend whom I got extremely close to. And I realized, that I wouldn't regret that experience for the world. I learned so much from her, I grew in some ways.
and on another tangent, slightly related, I watched a movie last night, "Drift".. and in it, a guy said something to the extent of 'you never stop loving someone. no matter how hard you try or where your paths lead. you'll love that person for the rest of your life'... and it made me think and smile... because it's true.
Re:
Date: 2003-06-03 03:35 pm (UTC)And yes, there isn't much to regret if you've learned, truly learned. It's not to say that regret isn't useful though. I didn't mean to give that impression. But once you've settled upon your decision, really feel like you're making the right choice, there shouldn't be overwhelming regret anyway. It's a complicated life skill to learn, lots of trial and error.
It's true, that quote. There will always be that connection, however faint and stretched it may be.
Sometimes, it's just...wrong time, wrong place.
no subject
Date: 2003-06-03 07:15 pm (UTC)I just re-read what I typed out last night... and 'waer' should be 'water'... bah...
mm...DDR...
indeed.
Re:
Date: 2003-06-03 10:44 pm (UTC)