blustocking | Fuck you Los Angeles.

I hate this.

I hate having no money. I hate this neverending stress which causes nausea to wash over me in waves. It was never this bad. Okay...I lied, it was....but I was living alone, I was happier being poor. This, is unbearable.

Yes, I'm a whiny cunt. Yes, there are many people out there who have it worse than me...but I don't have the luxury of being in their skin. I thought this was over. I thought it was just a bad patch, but the patch keeps getting bigger and frankly, it's pissing me off. Every day seems to be a new low.

Found out today that the check that I thought was going to be re-submitted was re-submitted a day before my paycheck automatically deposited. So now the cable check has bounced, all $71 of it, and I've incurred $40 in returned check charges. Then I called work to see how my old hard drive was coming along. Joe seems doubtful that he will be able to get Brendan's CD-R drive working, so Brendan says if it doesn't work by Monday then he'll have to back out of the deal. Understandable, but I don't have the $200 to give back to him. I might not even have the money to make my car payment now because tomorrow I have to get a new tire. I can't keep driving around on this donut, it's killing my suspension. Also forgot that I'll need a new hubcap. Not exactly important, but an expense nonetheless. Also, the cat hasn't had the shot he was supposed to have a year and a half ago. I know. I suck. Part of it is money trouble, part of it is that he's such a holy terror, they want me to tranquilize him before bringing him in.

I don't know where I'm going to get all this money. I was supposed to go to Vegas this month to see a friend. I'm supposed to go to SF early next month. I'm supposed to start school in February which I haven't enrolled for, which I can't afford, which I don't even know what I'm taking because I haven't been able to make an appointment with a counselor. I just splurged and spent $20 at the grocery store because I haven't gone in a month...why? I don't know, because it's not like I really feel like eating.

Oh and I can't get my car fixed until I can come up with the $100 deductible.

Time to sell some porn on Ebay...

The few happy things that have happened lately:

The Jeunet screenings the other night were wonderful. Jean-Pierre Jeunet is so, so wonderful. I completely adore that man. He wasn't pretentious at all, very witty, down-to-earth. FilmGuy was asking him questions in the usual, "*snort*I know SO much about film way" and Jeunet would just look at him funny and go, "No." and then kind of laugh and go on about something related to the question. At one point, FilmGuy tried to compare "Miette" and "One" to "Lenny" and "George" from 'Of Mice and Men'. I think he was on crack...or high on his own pomposity. At any rate, Jeunet is a brilliant, charming, fabulous person...but I think we all knew that.

My speakers are the coolest. They have this kickass sub-woofer that sounds so good. Right now I'm listening to the mp3's that came with the system.

On that note, more suckiness: WindowsXP blows ass-chunks, but that is not news. I'm sure it will be okay once I get more used to it...but it would seem that I fear change. I also don't need pretty colors and retarded shortcuts. It's the AOL of O/S. I also left my bookmarks on my old box...I hope I can get them back. Also, Netscape 6.2 is all that I expected...it's shit. It's just like IE 5.0. What the fuck? I only downloaded it because it seemed to be the only version compatible with WinXP. Fuckers. Ah well, t'will take some adjustment.

I feel so paralyzed.