Photographic hangups

[blustocking]

First of all, if you're reading this and are tempted to roll your eyes at the prospect of more, possibly self-deprecating, self-analysis, then fuck off. You can remove me from your friends lists right now, because for now, this is what I need to do. Besides, what better place to think about yourself outloud. I only say this, because I might be tempted to do the same if I were in your shoes. ;)



My weight/body image is not completely to blame for my hangups about looking good in photographs or in general. It's something almost equally as superficial, but it needs to be addressed, at least to myself.

I have a lazy eye. Though some people will balk at that being a "big deal", it is to me...or rather, it used to be a fucking HUGE deal. Most of the time, nowadays, you can't notice it...only when I'm fantastically exhausted. But when I was little, after surgery only served to make it worse, I had to wear a patch over one eye. Needless to say, first graders aren't the most accepting of such "abnormalities". I honestly felt like a freak. It was so much fun having kids staring and pointing at me. Hell, even adults did it. I know how odd it looks as when I see people with the same problem, even I can't help but stare and then look abruptly away. This is probably the reason I sleep so much, to avoid being tired and having it show. (That, and by god, I love sleep. Sleeping=the possibility of dreams, and I love dreams.) This is probably the reason I have the need to look good in pictures and prove to the world that I am not a "freak". No need to post and tell me I'm not a freak. I know that, at least not a freak becaue of this anyway. But it's hard to unlearn/de-tangle yourself from something you experienced in childhood. It's interesting that this would carry over and make me worry twice as much about my appearance as I should. If you ever see me with sunglasses on while I'm inside or it's dark out, you'll know why. ;)

This is also the reason I have problems looking people in the eyes. I'm getting better at that though because I'm not as tired and exhausted as I used to be, not as self-conscious. I'd get a headache literally every day in high school. That's generally how I know my eye is off, the certain headache that starts on the right side and settles in my eye, making the actual eyeball feel super sensitive and basically, for lack of a better term, floaty. Sometimes if I stress and think about it too much, I can make it cross on it's own, or get worse. GREAT AT PARTIES! woo.

Okay...I can't concentrate and I should work.

Comments

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Yeah, most of the time it can be corrected, but thanks to a doctor that made it worse, and a stubborn little idiot-child who would peel the corner of the patch so that she could see, it only got a little better. You can really see it in pictures of me as a kid. I used to have to tell the schoool photographer so that he could photograph me looking a certain way or from a certain angle, but usually it would still show up. Did he have it in both eyes? Mine is only my right.

The box of patches came with a little set of stickers, that you could put on the patch. Yes, because that's what you need, a little monkey on your eyepatch...then NO ONE will notice. ;)

**butts in again, making this a habit**

[junglust.livejournal.com]

Personally, I never had something growing up that showed up like that, but when it came to anything outdoors, I would have to stop and catch my breath for sometime or I'd wind up in the nurses office sucking on an inhaler (yes, an asthmatic)... I got all the goofy-ass names thrown at me which now I think back, I can't remember... They were pretty stupid... I remember one time telling them off saying, "How would YOU like sufficating on your own mucus?!?!" Well, then they just laughed at me because I used big words :P Is there a point to this? Hmmm, thinking... Yeah, there is... It's all pretty stupid once you look back at it in retrospect... How does my condition affect me now? Not too bad now, just as you have overcome your problems... I look at some of my patients and think about how they have to return to society with what we give them to treat their condition... i.e. tracheostomies... Those things are downright ugly, and of course everyone stares right at your neck... I can only think of a couple of good things for them is you can cough up really big loogies on people who piss you off and smoke a couple of cigarettes at the same time :) Seriously, there are things that CAN be worse... The best thing we can do is take what we have and make it better...

hmmmmm....maybe *you* should quit smoking ;)

[catwoman980.livejournal.com]

yay! you added blu to your friends list.

I'm going to marry her. you can be in our harem.

hey!

[qat.livejournal.com]

You once said, not too long ago, that you were going to beat up bm and marry me!

La donna e' mobile.....
How fickle is woman!

;)

heheheheh

Re: hey!

[catwoman980.livejournal.com]

fickle? I'm not fickle...I'm just all about sharing.

I want you both! ;)


ooooh...then bm can be in our harem as well :D

hah! Naughty cats :)

[qat.livejournal.com]

Naahhh.... bm and I are greedy about each other, I don't think it would work. We have a harem comprised of two.... him and me.

Hey, does Billy know about your harem ideas? Does he approve? Would he be "First Mate"?

XD

Re: hah! Naughty cats :)

[catwoman980.livejournal.com]

HA! "first mate" XD

I have to tell him that.

Billy approves only as far as he knows I'm pathetically faithful to him. I tease...but no matter how sexy the two of you are...I'd never cheat.

I still want my kiss, though!

I believe the script calls for a girly pillow fight now.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

*smacks both Kat and cats with a pillow in one fell swoop*

Oooo, another boy for our harem! XD

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

But is he a "pretty boy"? ;)

[squeakyrix.livejournal.com]

When I was a kid, the little girl that lived a few houses down had a lazy eye. It used to look like she was looking in two different directions at the same time, and it used to make me really mad when people made fun of her for it. She was supposed to wear a patch, but she had that habit of conveniently 'forgetting' to wear it because she didn't like it...

I wonder whatever happened to her....Yeah, cause this comment had a lot of purpose to it....

doode

[qat.livejournal.com]

"First of all, if you're reading this and are tempted to roll your eyes at the prospect of more, possibly self-deprecating, self-analysis, then fuck off. You can remove me from your friends lists right now, because for now, this is what I need to do. Besides, what better place to think about yourself outloud."

It's your journal....journals are all about self-deprecation and whatnot if the owner feels like it. It would totally suck to write a journal essentially written for other people or something weird like that - unless that was what one meant to do for some reason.

[catwoman980.livejournal.com]

I still want to have sex with you.
;)

This is the best place to get this all out...that way you're not wallowing in it. I tend to overanylize things, and when the only sounding board is your own head...things get very bad, very quickly. putting it here gives you more of a grounding in reality because we can all tell you how crazy you are because you are georgeous dahling!

I do understand how you feel...but you're beautiful. You'll figure out what we already know eventually.