what you see is what you get

[blustocking]

Hardly.
It's the slow sliding realization of the obvious. The fact that people, more often than not, are not what they seem. We all hide, we all cope. We all teach and we all learn, unannounced. To truly get to know someone is to realize the surface is just that, the surface. To love, is to want to burrow deeper, to sink through flesh and sinew, to cling to pulsing veins and traverse the body-flow, all just to reach the heart...of the problem. It's the desire, the need to know why. To care enough to want to understand, to step outside, to take the time. It softens reactions and actions alike, if you're open. If you're willing.

But things get in the way, we get in the way. Am I arrogant on the inside, self-degradation to overcompensate, to mask? Or is it more than that? Does my occasional arrogance hide the fear.
It's complicated.

With sex, it's easy. Or is it. I've often said, and noticed, that those interested in the darker side of love or fucking, whichever you choose, are opposite of what they would initally appear to be. If you know me, you'd think me top. If you're clever, you'd know me submissive. If you care, you'd know me a complicated mix. But that, in itself, is still just the surface.

Someone said I look tired today. I'm not.
I have to buy new jeans again. I'm shrinking.
I turned down a decent job today. I worry.
Ever find the right CD/album at the right moment in your life? It's nice.

I don't regret.
Yet still, it hurts.

Comments

[xylocaine.livejournal.com]

I'd like to know your secret to shrinking and if I can do it..

I don't regret.
Yet still, it hurts
you have no idea how much I understand that on some level...
*shakes head*

Re:

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

You looked fine to me, but I know that when it really matters, it's not about anyone else, but how you feel about yourself. That said, you just have to get past that initial hurdle of losing weight, and not be discouraged when it doesn't go fast at first. It should be slow anyway. It will stay off longer and it's more healthy. I actually don't really work out that much. I eat better now, and just work out for about 20 mins at a time. Lately, I've stepped it up with riding the bicycle and working out twice a day though, adding more and different routines only because I want to tone and tighten, not just lose. But really, the thing that did it, was determination and having to walk everywhere when my driver's license was suspended in Los Angeles. I got lazy, then I got fed up. The license getting suspended just happened to coincide with that. Heh.

As for the other thing... :}
Someone once told me that they don't regret. At the time, it struck me as one of the most appalling things you could say. Possibly because this person SHOULD regret some of the things he had done. But now I understand a little more. I don't think he was wise enough to realize what he said was only true if you've learned from the experience though. Regret becomes manageable, livable, only when you've grown from it. When you realize what you want and what you need may very well be two entirely different things.

[xylocaine.livejournal.com]

*smiles*
ah... so many fun adventures you and I shall have...

I played a fake-DDR tonight for about an hour.. that was my workout of the day.. except that I filled my tummy with so much waer, I feel like I've done nothing productive. I should vary my routines, switch it up between the elliptical machine and swimming laps... I desperately want to tone my arms, make them less flabby... and get less discouraged when it doesn't happened immdiately. I'm an impatient little brat =P

as for the regretting thing... I used to regret just about my entire life, sometimes I still tend to focus on the "what if's" instead of the whole thought of everything happened for a reason and now that it's done, there shouldn't need to be an afterthought of 'what if'... I tried to live by "forget regret or life is yours to miss" for a while, but I didn't completely understand it, until something monumental happened, such as breaking up with my girlfriend whom I got extremely close to. And I realized, that I wouldn't regret that experience for the world. I learned so much from her, I grew in some ways.

and on another tangent, slightly related, I watched a movie last night, "Drift".. and in it, a guy said something to the extent of 'you never stop loving someone. no matter how hard you try or where your paths lead. you'll love that person for the rest of your life'... and it made me think and smile... because it's true.

Re:

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

I'm buying a PS2 when I get an apartment. I SHALL PLAY DDR UNTIL I PASSETH OUT.

And yes, there isn't much to regret if you've learned, truly learned. It's not to say that regret isn't useful though. I didn't mean to give that impression. But once you've settled upon your decision, really feel like you're making the right choice, there shouldn't be overwhelming regret anyway. It's a complicated life skill to learn, lots of trial and error.

It's true, that quote. There will always be that connection, however faint and stretched it may be.
Sometimes, it's just...wrong time, wrong place.

[xylocaine.livejournal.com]

DRR?!!! I wanna play.. can I? can I? *end-whiney*

I just re-read what I typed out last night... and 'waer' should be 'water'... bah...

mm...DDR...
indeed.

Re:

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

YES!

[catnamedcosette.livejournal.com]

I don't regret anymore (or, if I do, I deal with it, and get to the point of no regrets again). I used to regret everything and beat myself up for everything, but then I realized that it was not the way I wanted to live life. It was harmful to myself and pointless as well. When there's nothing I can do to change what has happened, why stress over it. If it's out of my control, why worry about it. I'm not saying you shouldn't learn from the past or mistakes you've made, but why spend the time and effort on regretting them? Make the necessary changes and move on. I'm a much happier person for this, a more content person.

P.S. Where will you be on July 4th? A friend from D.C. is going to be in Kans-ass and I thought it might be a good time to visit you (even though I was just there and don't really like the place, but I like you so...) :)

Re:

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

I should definitely be here. Nothin' like a good ol' 4th of July at home. It's not Independence Day without the possibility of blowing your hand off.

:D

Re:

[catnamedcosette.livejournal.com]

You should come here then! Only because the more I think about it, the less I want to make that drive again. Ugh. I don't know, I'll see closer to that time - maybe if I can get a cheap plane ticket...

P.S. For your McGee collection, would you like a picture of a costume shop (with skeleton framed windows!) called "Flossy McGrews"? I know it's not quite McGee, but the look of it is great. Let me know, and I'll take a picture for you if you want. :)

Re:

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Mmm, I'm already stretching it with McGehee. ^_^
I would like to visit this costume shop though. Perhaps I will visit. :D

WE SHALL SEE!

Re:

[catnamedcosette.livejournal.com]

Figured it was completely stretching it, but I loved the skeleton-framed windows and the "flossy" part of the name. :)

And, yes, you SHOULD come visit me. Other than the drive out here, it will be CHEAP to FREE (depending on how generous I feel at the time, haha).