oooo, rebel

[blustocking]

I broke up with Ian in the early morning of Sunday past.
My grandmother is in hospice.

I'm amazingly okay with both of these things. It has to do with my "healthy" attitude towards death. My old age has lowered my tolerance for bullshit and people who don't want to deal with their problems. There were a million reasons to leave, and only one to stay. Love generally is the only reason I need, but it became "not enough". I became sick of not being able to talk to him for fear of a blowup. A comment he didn't like, would resort in escalated anger and "shut the hell up". It happened one too many times. The stupid straw that broke the Jill's back was trivial and may have been overreacting on my part. His response was so out there it was planetary. This is better. Yet I miss him, terribly.
I would only go back if he agreed to therapy. He won't. And there you have it.
I'm a firm believer in working through your past if you've been abused. If you don't, you're hurting yourself and those you love. You'll never get right, you'll never find lasting happiness. And p.s. he should spend some fucking time alone. He never has and I'm a firm believer that that isn't a good sign either.

My supervisor is talking to me, so I should go.

Comments

[bloodsuckergirl.livejournal.com]

in a good relationship, you should feel free, free to be yourself and free to make mistakes without meeting with extreme reactions.

Heh, the operative world there is "should".

;)

At this point, I doubt I'd be able to spot a "good relationship" at 10 paces!

Do you remember all those 100 question quiz thingers that went around, you'd fill them out and send them to your friends and they'd fill it out and send it back? All of them had some version of "Have you ever been in love?" on them.

My answer then and now still is, and will probably be:

Every time.

Of course now I'm thinking that maybe all this wasn't some sort of inverse fear of commitment; attempting to commit forever to someone who is so messed up that they can't, and doing it over and over again, well maybe the reason I'm still single isn't because the boys suck, maybe it's because I really don't want to either, I just need a reason, and my reason is always "boys suck".

blather

I'm babbling at you, sorry.

Should be free to say/do anything, yes, absolutely, you do have a way with words.

Love and misses to you too!

:)

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm beginning to see that maybe I have a fear of commitment too. Because things get hard with him sometimes and the old, "I shouldn't have to deal with this!" comes into play. So you try and walk away and give up. The good thing is, he wouldn't let me do that last time. He's growing, learning, smart boy.
In the end, only time will tell.

And if you don't think you're in love with the person you're with, what's the point really? I've never been one to casually date.

Babble away, my dear. I miss talking to you.

I miss talking to you too

[bloodsuckergirl.livejournal.com]

I know I have a tendancy to put my foot in my mouth, I thank you for forgiving me that. :)

And if you don't think you're in love with the person you're with, what's the point really? I've never been one to casually date.

Until very very recently I was the queen of "why are you with someone if you don't think you'll be with them forever" - but recently I think this is just an inverted form of fear of committment. It's not normal or natural to want to marry every man you date, I think I see this now! LOL And I suppose in a way I've been lucky that men have fled my all consuming marriage trap.

I don't think it's a fear of being alone, definatly a fear of committment, force them to go too fast and they will leave, that leaves me with the most perfect person to blame for our downfall, them.

But also it's all these lovely self esteem issues that we all have. I learned early from my mother that you had to have a man around, even if they sucked. And I do this. I'm never single, not for long, serial monogamist, thats me. And oh lordy, I never thought I was, I tried and tried to convince myself that I wasn't, but am I ever a doormat girl! Oh, you want me to cut my hair? Ok. Quit my job? Ok. Quit school so you don't feel threatened? Ok. Move across the country so you can keep me at arms length and still fuck other girls? Ok.

I've realized I'm a retard. I'm working on that. ;)

And then in all this relationship mire we create for ourselves comes this other thing that fucks us all up, right when we thought we were going well, that we could think straight, and we were going to fix everything...

Sex.

Oh dear lord, I have messed up things right proper all in the name of good sex...

:)

And in my geriatric old age, I'm realizing that I really like regular sex, and I don't like myself when I'm someone's girlfriend. But I like exclusivity. Damn is that a hard line to walk! Impossible in fact!

I think sometimes that relationships that are hard aren't worth it, and then I get in one thats hard and I think it's worth it. The question to ask yourself, the one we never want to ask oursleves; are they working as hard as we are on this relationship or are they just reaping the benefits.

I know what my answer is traditionally, whats yours?

Re: I miss talking to you too

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

I'm realizing that I really like regular sex, and I don't like myself when I'm someone's girlfriend. But I like exclusivity. Damn is that a hard line to walk!

Amen.

I think everyone should be alone at least once in their life...and for more than a month or two.

Honestly, he does work. He slacks sometimes, but I let him know. And he's probably the first to actually try and change his own bad habits. With Ian, only time will tell. He has some growing up to do, but right now it's nice to have a friend and a lover.