oooo, rebel

[blustocking]

I broke up with Ian in the early morning of Sunday past.
My grandmother is in hospice.

I'm amazingly okay with both of these things. It has to do with my "healthy" attitude towards death. My old age has lowered my tolerance for bullshit and people who don't want to deal with their problems. There were a million reasons to leave, and only one to stay. Love generally is the only reason I need, but it became "not enough". I became sick of not being able to talk to him for fear of a blowup. A comment he didn't like, would resort in escalated anger and "shut the hell up". It happened one too many times. The stupid straw that broke the Jill's back was trivial and may have been overreacting on my part. His response was so out there it was planetary. This is better. Yet I miss him, terribly.
I would only go back if he agreed to therapy. He won't. And there you have it.
I'm a firm believer in working through your past if you've been abused. If you don't, you're hurting yourself and those you love. You'll never get right, you'll never find lasting happiness. And p.s. he should spend some fucking time alone. He never has and I'm a firm believer that that isn't a good sign either.

My supervisor is talking to me, so I should go.

Comments

[motherevol.livejournal.com]

We really need to chat on Yahoo IM someday really soon. We have a lot to catch up on.

I love you, though.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes we do. Soon, I hope to be able to afford internet access at home. Maybe soon, as I just paid off my car. :)

I love you muchly-muchly.

[catnamedcosette.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear this, but I'm of the belief that if you have to come up with reasons to stay or you constantly think about the reasons you should go, then maybe it's time to just...move on. No matter how hard it is. But, that doesn't mean that I will judge you if you fall back in line with him. You just do what's best for you and what makes you happy. We'll all be here to support you.

Also, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope her time left is peaceful and filled with happiness.

I have no plans to come to K.C. anytime soon, but I think you should take that trip out here. We'll have fun and take your mind off unpleasant boy-things. :D

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

It's been coming for awhile now. I was hoping to be able to stay with him until he grew up a little. It proved more difficult than I think another person should have to deal with. Right now, I don't know what's going on. I don't want him out of my life. We probably should have just been friends from the beginning...but, well, hormones and such. Time will tell. But I won't be getting into a relationship with him for some time.

I have school starting soon, but maybe I can come out for a break. That would be cool. :)

Thank you Sara.

[catnamedcosette.livejournal.com]

It was nice talking with you yesterday. Sorry I couldn't talk more. I was one of the few people at work yesterday so I was swamped, plus I got the lucky job of answering phones. Yuck!

Know that I'm thinking of you always. *hugs*

[bloodsuckergirl.livejournal.com]

Life is fun.

I know we don't talk much anymore, but seems we're on the same page right now; how long can you walk on eggshells for the sake of someone else's ego? And dammint when do they ever tiptoe around us? Never! So crush those eggs dammit! Get yolk everywhere! You're far too fabulous to be living life in silence! STOMP!

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Isn't it though?

I remember a long time ago, we had a discussion and you said that you think everyone you date is "the one". At the time, I thought it was odd...but you know what, I think I do that too. I think we have/had a lot more in common that it seemed, maybe just a different points in our lives.

I have nothing but love and misses for you, lady.

Like I said up to Lucy, in a good relationship, you should feel free, free to be yourself and free to make mistakes without meeting with extreme reactions.

[bloodsuckergirl.livejournal.com]

in a good relationship, you should feel free, free to be yourself and free to make mistakes without meeting with extreme reactions.

Heh, the operative world there is "should".

;)

At this point, I doubt I'd be able to spot a "good relationship" at 10 paces!

Do you remember all those 100 question quiz thingers that went around, you'd fill them out and send them to your friends and they'd fill it out and send it back? All of them had some version of "Have you ever been in love?" on them.

My answer then and now still is, and will probably be:

Every time.

Of course now I'm thinking that maybe all this wasn't some sort of inverse fear of commitment; attempting to commit forever to someone who is so messed up that they can't, and doing it over and over again, well maybe the reason I'm still single isn't because the boys suck, maybe it's because I really don't want to either, I just need a reason, and my reason is always "boys suck".

blather

I'm babbling at you, sorry.

Should be free to say/do anything, yes, absolutely, you do have a way with words.

Love and misses to you too!

:)

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Yes, I'm beginning to see that maybe I have a fear of commitment too. Because things get hard with him sometimes and the old, "I shouldn't have to deal with this!" comes into play. So you try and walk away and give up. The good thing is, he wouldn't let me do that last time. He's growing, learning, smart boy.
In the end, only time will tell.

And if you don't think you're in love with the person you're with, what's the point really? I've never been one to casually date.

Babble away, my dear. I miss talking to you.

I miss talking to you too

[bloodsuckergirl.livejournal.com]

I know I have a tendancy to put my foot in my mouth, I thank you for forgiving me that. :)

And if you don't think you're in love with the person you're with, what's the point really? I've never been one to casually date.

Until very very recently I was the queen of "why are you with someone if you don't think you'll be with them forever" - but recently I think this is just an inverted form of fear of committment. It's not normal or natural to want to marry every man you date, I think I see this now! LOL And I suppose in a way I've been lucky that men have fled my all consuming marriage trap.

I don't think it's a fear of being alone, definatly a fear of committment, force them to go too fast and they will leave, that leaves me with the most perfect person to blame for our downfall, them.

But also it's all these lovely self esteem issues that we all have. I learned early from my mother that you had to have a man around, even if they sucked. And I do this. I'm never single, not for long, serial monogamist, thats me. And oh lordy, I never thought I was, I tried and tried to convince myself that I wasn't, but am I ever a doormat girl! Oh, you want me to cut my hair? Ok. Quit my job? Ok. Quit school so you don't feel threatened? Ok. Move across the country so you can keep me at arms length and still fuck other girls? Ok.

I've realized I'm a retard. I'm working on that. ;)

And then in all this relationship mire we create for ourselves comes this other thing that fucks us all up, right when we thought we were going well, that we could think straight, and we were going to fix everything...

Sex.

Oh dear lord, I have messed up things right proper all in the name of good sex...

:)

And in my geriatric old age, I'm realizing that I really like regular sex, and I don't like myself when I'm someone's girlfriend. But I like exclusivity. Damn is that a hard line to walk! Impossible in fact!

I think sometimes that relationships that are hard aren't worth it, and then I get in one thats hard and I think it's worth it. The question to ask yourself, the one we never want to ask oursleves; are they working as hard as we are on this relationship or are they just reaping the benefits.

I know what my answer is traditionally, whats yours?

Re: I miss talking to you too

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

I'm realizing that I really like regular sex, and I don't like myself when I'm someone's girlfriend. But I like exclusivity. Damn is that a hard line to walk!

Amen.

I think everyone should be alone at least once in their life...and for more than a month or two.

Honestly, he does work. He slacks sometimes, but I let him know. And he's probably the first to actually try and change his own bad habits. With Ian, only time will tell. He has some growing up to do, but right now it's nice to have a friend and a lover.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

"than it seemed."

[abstrudere.livejournal.com]

i miss you, dood.

and if you ever want to chat, about anything, you can always call me. i gots a new phone number, since i'm not coming back to kan-sass. (904.233.3387) Or just drop me an e-mail.

i hope everything (and your grandma) gets better. but in the end, you can't keep walking on egg shells.

-lucy

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

I miss you too! What's the bullshit about not coming back?! I saved your voice mail and I really have been meaning to return the call...but, well...busy with "stuff". I will call you soon though.

And no, you should feel free to be a human being and make mistakes in a relationship. I never felt like I could. It's not my fault he went out with dumbasses.

[lolahead.livejournal.com]

You are a strong woman!

I was reminded of how long I stayed in a "not so good" relationship when I happened upon my ex and his shiny new girlfriend at a very uncomfortable get-together last night. I was asking myself why the hell I even thought I loved this guy....EVER. In my case, he's a bad person, period...so it's easy to want him out of my life permanently (always see bright red flags when his ex girlfriend refuses to speak to him...that usually means he sucks) I think it's part of the long process that is growing up and getting over shit though.

But I also know what it's like to miss someone I was with with. Any time you miss him, just think of the "shut the hell up" side of him. And don't let yourself forget that side of him. I've made that mistake too. It's all candy and flowers until he tells you to shut the hell up.

Good luck.

And I'm sorry about your grandmother. :( I'm glad to hear you're okay with it.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, he's not a bad person...just not ready, so very not ready. I almost wish he were a horrible person...okay, not really, but it would certainly be easier.

Thank you. Seriously. I know it's been awhile since we've really talked, so thank you. :}

[lagnolalia.livejournal.com]

Was at Farmer's Market last week and thought of you.

Hope you're okay inside and out.
*love you*

♥

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I wish we had been able to meet that day.
I love you too.
Thank you.

[photicdriver.livejournal.com]

oh my j, i miss you. so sorry to hear about both the breakup and grandma, but if you feel ok about those things, that's a very good thing. people always expect you to fall to pieces over stuff like that.

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

It varies. I'm completely confused by one and trying to be strong and logical for the other...or both, actually.

I saw her, probably for the last time, today. I was not prepared for that. Yet still, I'm okay...because there's no doubt in my mind that she would rather be let go than be "live" like she has been.

I really miss you. I think of you often and I need to call or write, something.

:o

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

I am swooning with delight at the prospect of two vodka-hugs.

Vodka Hugs...that sounds like a tasty treat. :)

[ex-nixe725.livejournal.com]

Love you lady. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you - bake you cookies, bump someone off.... I'm here :)

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

Can you combine the two?

Love you love you love you.

[kitryne.livejournal.com]

hugs and kisses on all of your pink bits!
i miss you.

my pink bits thank you

[blustocking.livejournal.com]

I truly, truly miss you.