Curiousity like a nun or a negress or a girl with glasses

I don't know what to say really. There was a time when I would have been one of those people sending love vibes out to Loco and telling Shiraa that he did the right thing.

Somewhere, somewhen I made a wrong step with her. I still don't know what it was but, I would take it back if I could. I don't know what people said about why I was banned from chat and really at this point I don't care. I could have gone back to see if anyone missed me. A week after I was banned I moved and have had a different IP. The reason I never have is that the day I was banned I e-mailed Sunder and said (paraphrasing because that e-mail account is toast) "I think Loco has something against me for no good reason and I won't spend time in an environment with someone who is sick and who's only outlet for pain is to abuse people who once cared about her." Sunder replied basically saying "No one ever liked you. Don't come back."

A part of me still cares about Loco and remembers a time before she hated me. I hope you aren't left behind as I was.

From:

I don't know what your last line is supposed to mean. Loco doesn't hate me. She makes my heart hurt because I hate seeing her like this.

From:

There was a time when she didn't hate me either. But that's not what I'm refering too and I wish I had said what I meant better.

What I mean is, I hope firstly that she loves all of you as much as you love her, and secondly that she doesn't succeed in the fulfillment of her own self-destructive hatred.

If she could see herself as her friends see her, a creative individual with a lot of life to live and a lot of possibilities before her, then I believe she could be all right. But she is on the inside looking out and from all of my experience with her the view is rather bleak out of those eyes. I don't know how much worse she has gotten in the last year, all I know is that when I left chat I expected her to try something like this. It isn't charity that starts at home. It's hatred. Be her friend as long as you can Blu. She needs friends like you.

From:

You know, I'm now having second thoughts about having second thoughts about my former dislike for you. I was actually starting to think that it was all perhaps overly-much, time has gone by, forget past weirdnesses, etc. etc. - but you've just given me a whole new reason to get pretty pissed at you.

It seems to me that, in this reply, you have used recent developments with Loco to embark upon a completely self-centered rant, whining about why you were banned from #sl, whining about how Loco treated you in the past, blah blah blah. Why? Can you tell me what good it really does? Can you tell me what your point is - really? Can you tell me why this was a good time to make it? Can you tell me why this was a good place to do so in the first place - all things considered? Sorry, but as far as I am concerned, this is neither the time nor the place for such crap. It seems entirely inappropriate: to receive news about someone very beloved to other people going through something like this, and having no response really except "There was a time when I would have been one of those people sending love vibes out to Loco" and "A part of me still cares about Loco." Oh yeah? Bully for you. But if this isn't a time where you *can* send such vibes to Loco, and only a *part* of you cares about her, then kindly keep your mouth shut and spare us your self-centered re-hashing of petty past baloney. You yourself said, "I don't know what people said about why I was banned from chat and really at this point I don't care" - but it's obvious to me, from this whole goddamn essentially pointless reply of yours, that you DO jolly well still care about what happened. You cared enough to whine about it, even when none of this really has anything whatsoever to do with you or anything that happened between you and Loco, and even when doing so is, from the get-go, just flat-out selfish, tacky, and ill-timed. It's like a toddler coming down from his crib to the big peoples' cocktail party and crapping in the middle of the floor just to get attention: ME ME ME ME ME TOOOOOOOO! WAAAAHHHH!

If you have a personal need to mentally masturbate and "share your feelings" over the whole past ordeal, do so on your own private time. Do it in your own journal. But don't drag it here. All things considered, it's just plain tacky. Maybe, MAYBE if this were a message board - a more public space where it's pretty much a free-for-all - I wouldn't think so much of your reply, but it's in a journal, a more private space where various of us who care deeply for Loco have congregated to discuss the situation, and you apparently just felt the need to barge in with your pointless laundry list of complaints against Loco, and your weak-ass little "Maybe I COULD care if"s. If you aren't wise enough to keep your mouth shut here about your petty little insignificant problems with Loco which no one actually still gives two flying fucks about besides you, then kindly just bugger off.

And where the hell do you get the impression that Blu is being "left behind" as you were? Save your misinformed words of wisdom and comfort for someone else. That's just fucking laughable. And you obviously don't read Blu's journal very closely if you actually think that that is even the remotest of possibilities. What the hell ever.

PS - In response to your quote, "I could have gone back to see if anyone missed me": rest assured that not many did.

To Blu: I"m sorry for discussing this here, perhaps it wasn't what I should have done, but I thought this was kind of fucked-up and wanted to say something. My very sincere apologies if offends you, being in your journal. Xo, Kat

From:

"I won't spend time in an environment with someone who is sick and who's only outlet for pain is to abuse people who once cared about her."

Loco cares about many people and does not "abuse" them, as she allegedly "abused" you. She is a true, good friend to many. You have no clue what the hell you are talking about here, but instead seem to be projecting your angsty grudge outside yourself. Gosh you're cool. Just because Loco thought you sucked and virtually slapped you around a bit for it doesn't mean she does the same to lots of other people. So get over yourself.

From:

Kathleen, you are right that this is not the place to discuss this, if you would like I will e-mail you and explain my feelings.

It isn't that I don't care. It's that I care too much and I don't know how to stop.

From:

I'm sorry for polluting your journal with my emotions Blu.

From:

Because a lot of the things you wrote made me pretty damned mad, and I'd like an explanation so I can possibly understand.

From:

Fine. You want to know why no one wanted you around. Because you're arrogant and you act holier than thou. You have Loco pegged completely wrong, but I'm sure you think you have a lot of people figured out. THAT'S why you got the treatment that you deserved. I thought it was a little harsh at the time, but thanks for proving me wrong.
You have NO CLUE about Loco. Not one.

From:

I don't mind.

From:

If you have aim I'm DJDLR and I'd like to talk to you before I make this situation any worse.

From:

You said exactly what I think, Blu. Exactly. I think you already know how much I respect you, but I do, I really do.

Because, yes (and this is not to back Blu up or anything, she stands alone QUITE well, I just need to state my particular agreement): I have long found your attitude to be an generally pretentious and holier-than-thou one, Phalanx. You really do seem to think that you have people all figured out, and that you know what's best for them, and tend to go around acting like some sickening father figure spewing advice and judgements and a whole lot of other jizz that I'm sure some people appreciate and seek out, but which is entirely unnecessary, undesired, and inappropriate here. Your completely wrongheaded assessments of Loco have proved, as Blu said above and I said earlier, that you're clueless and have moreover displayed a good deal of arrogance. Statements like "she is on the inside looking out and from all of my experience with her" elicit the "What the fuck?!" response in me: all WHAT experience, pray? Arrogance. Pure arrogance. And it was indeed this same condescending, smarmy attitude that eventually got you kicked.

All this is not to say that I know you any better than you know Loco, or even that *I* or anyone else is privy to the hidden regions of Loco's mind and heart, etc. But I also don't go around on your friends' journals when they're talking about being concerned about you, spewing about how I had petty little problems with you in the past as if it's somehow important. Moreover, I don't *claim* to know much about you, as you have seemed to do in regards to Loco. But I *do* think, no matter who you "really" are or whatever the hell, that what you said here today is a mere extension of some fucked-up holier-than-thou crap I saw you display in the past.

But whatever. Over and out.

From:

I've sent an e-mail to the kat@eds.org address. I hope that is what you still use. It was not my intention to anger or hurt anyone and I hope that we can discuss this further off of Blu's journal.

I have already taken up too much of her time and upset her needlessly. My appologies.

From:

I'm not upset. You're wrong about Loco and I'm comfortable with that because, as a few of us have, I've hung out with her, talked to her in person. Meeting someone in real life, I would hope, would give you a little more well-rounded perspective. I see no reason to beat this into the ground. I don't hate you. I don't dislike you. I just don't agree...at all, with what you said and how you said it. I'm not here to change your mind, but tell you how I, and possibly a few others, see it. But frankly, I'd be more worried about how you come across than what you said. It seems to be the bigger issue.

From:

Blu, I'm really sorry. I don't have the words to really express it and I wish I could go back and delete this before you saw it. I don't hate Loco, I only think she needs help. I didn't mean to come off sounding holier-than-thou or any of the other things. I thank you for letting me know you're opinion I only wish someone had expressed it to me before I made myself into a bigger fool.

From: